Pain, Hurt and Tears

I always knew I was going to find this hard.

It has been on my mind for a long time.

Working out what we are going to do, how we are going to do things.

And thinking of things to do.

But I never knew it was going to be this hard.

Everything feels wrong

Whatever we suggest it just feels wrong

The flowers, the gifts, the plans

All of them are wrong

Not one of them should be happening

You should be here and nothing is going to be right because you aren’t

And the pain is unbearable

I am so sad

Every second of every day

I am so angry

So frustrated

And literally in so much pain

I miss you

I want you here

I want to planning a completely different birthday

I want to be wrapping presents

Organising a cake

Enjoying a party and having a little 4 year so excited about his baby sisters birthday

But I’m not

We are never going to do that

And I am so sad

There are no words to describe my pain

There is nothing to say for anyone to understand

No one should feel this

Whatever I do

Nothing hides it

Nothing disguises it

And nothing makes it disappear

There is no normal

We lost that a year ago

When the pain started and the tears began to flow

All I want in the world is to be normal

For the pain to stop

The sadness to go

But it seems to get worse,

I just never thought it would be this hard…