Time Heals…

When Rhianna died and we were in the depths of hell we were told repeatedly, time heals, just give it time.

We are now three years on and they were all lies.

Time doesn’t heal.

Giving grief time doesn’t make it get better, it doesn’t make it go away.

Nothing makes it go away.

Yes you carry on living, you get up each day and you do what you need to do.

There comes a point where you have to choose to live your life, and live for your children you have here, or to live missing your dead child. That is true, for so long I missed Rhianna, and because of that I couldn’t always see the good things that were around me, the amazing things that were happening with the boys. I had to make the choice to change that, and I chose to change that and I hope that now I am living my life and living for the boys.

But time doesn’t heal.

I could be stuck in the middle of absolutely nowhere and I would still know when Rhianna’s birthday is coming, I stop sleeping. From the beginning of March through to her birthday I average about 4 hours sleep a night, and none of that is a sound nights sleep. I sleep badly for the whole month, I have bad dreams every night.

Dreams of loosing people, of people getting hurt and just nightmares in general, anyone that is close to me I dream about. I wake up sweating and in fear that something has happened while I have been asleep. The first year I thought it was the first year. The second year I thought it was because I was pregnant, and very early when I do have mental dreams, but it has happened again this year and I just think it is something I will continue to do till the end of time.

I remember every moment of the last few weeks of being pregnant with Rhianna, of being told her heart had stopped beating, and of giving birth.

Time doesn’t heal that.

Time doesn’t make that better.

It’s something that starts at the beginning of every March and doesn’t finish until after her birthday.

Those moments, those feelings, they will never go, they will never heal and time doesn’t heal it.

It could be one year, two years, three years or thirty years, it doesn’t matter I still feel the same, this month is just hard.

Three years down the line, missing Rhianna doesn’t change. Life doesn’t stop, life goes on but time doesn’t heal.