The First Christmas

It was never going to be easy, we tried our hardest to try not to think about what was in front of us. A lot of December I spent wishing it away completely, as I really didn’t want it here. But there was no stopping Christmas, not with a very excited Baba who was literally climbing the walls.

It was difficult to say the least, one moment you would be in the throws of excitement and as excited as Baba and the next you would be close to tears, or in tears as there shouldn’t be three, there should be four.

I cried a lot, over silly things but things that meant so much to me.

Things that I had put my whole hopes on. I didn’t really know what I wanted or what I needed but I knew that I wanted something and that it was something that I wanted from everyone and was that the feeling that I didn’t want to feel that Rhianna was forgotten.

I wanted everyone to remember her, and not silently I wanted them to remember her loudly, I didn’t want people to be worried about what they could and couldn’t say. I didn’t want her hidden away and I didn’t want people not to mention her.

I wanted her name on our cards, I wanted people to talk about how excited she would be where ever she is about Christmas, as we all knew she would Baba told us regularly that she was really excited as he was excited!

I wanted things brought for her and her included in everything that we did.

Some people did it some people didn’t.

My heart swelled the first Christmas card we got saying “Special Christmas Wishes to Rhianna” and every one after, that had her name in, I smiled that all of our dear and closest friends had remembered her, and it really did ache that the people closest to us didn’t mention her. I know that they hadn’t forgotten her, and I know that it is hard to talk about her, but sometimes especially at Christmas all you need is her name mentioned and to hear people talk about her. That is all that I wanted. I understand why I didn’t get it all the time, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

We, as her Mummy, Daddy and Brother included her in every way we could.

We wrote her a Christmas card, we told her exactly how we were feeling, we poured our hearts into the words so they were never forgotten. We didn’t take the card anywhere, it wasn’t a special daughter card, it was just Rhianna’s card. One that was small but said everything that it needed to say.

She even got remembered by Santa with a balloon left for Baba to send to her, it made him so happy that he could give her something on Christmas day. It was a simple gesture but one that helped him.

I made a present for her grandparents, aunties and uncles from Rhianna, with just a little heart, her name, date, weight and time. All put on a plaque for them to keep. Something that they will always have.

Nothing made me quite as emotional as when we went to my parent in-laws and saw Mr L’s brother had it on his wall, next to his picture of Baba and his other niece on Boxing Day. A person who doesn’t speak about Rhianna, but that little gesture just meant the world to me.

People made her flowers, we had lanterns brought for us all to let off together and she was remembered all day every day.

Mr L and I didn’t force Baba to go up to her grave Christmas day he was far too excited about his presents, so we went on our own and took her a little christmas tree. All the things you can do we managed to do.

But nothing, no memories, no words, no people talking about her, even though that was what I wanted helped.

There was a cloud over our Christmas day and one that will always be there, and it wasn’t until late in the evening when everyone had gone and I was tidying away that it really hit.

That there should have been four, not three.