Words

Today I read a post on Facebook that was full of pictures of what people say to parents who have experienced babyloss, good and bad things that are said.

It reminded me a lot of the post I wrote years ago about what people say and do when you have lost a baby.

Looking back on that post now I can read the anger in it.

I was fed up when I wrote that, fed up that there is a handful of phrases and statements that people say to you when you have lost a baby.

Because people don’t know what to say.

Sorry isn’t thought to be enough.

To be honest it is and sometimes that is all that needs to be said.

This morning I read that post and I reread the post I wrote all those years ago and I looked at them from a parent who lost their baby nearly eight years ago and I thought about what I have felt over the years and how things have been said to us over the years.

And you know what, not one thing was said maliciously, and I don’t think it rarely is. Everything that has ever been said to us has been a statement of love.

But it isn’t always the right thing to say.

But people don’t know what to say that is right.

What do you say in that situation, no one knows.

And there are so many reasons for that.

Every babyloss is unique.

Every bodies grieve is different.

Mr L grieves for Rhianna in a totally different way to how I do and that has never changed and it has nearly broken us many times since we lost Rhianna. But we have learnt we do it differently and we work with it but it’s hard.

Babyloss is a taboo.

It’s a subject people want to never know about.

It’s something people would prefer not to think about.

Of course it is.

It’s hideous.

But it’s so common.

1 in 4, experience it, that’s easy to say really, but one out of every four people have lost or will loose a baby. Can you imagine that.

Thats one person out of every car full, one person at a table.

It’s hugely common.

And most of these people suffer in silence.

We have this stupid thing in the world where because miscarriages are common before 12 weeks pregnancy we don’t tell people we are pregnant until we are past the 12 week mark, which means if we loose that baby no one knows. We blindly bundle through our grieve silently and carry on.

So we don’t get support, we don’t get what we need.

And when someone does experience baby loss, people give all the sympathy they can, every mother and father’s heart aches for that family.

But they still don’t know what to say.

How do you discuss the fact that their baby has died?

That they were pregnant and now they aren’t and there is no baby, what do you say?

What do you do?

How do you react?

There are no guidelines, there is no scripted words.

And people try, don’t get me wrong I am not having a moan about any words that are spoken to you when you are in the depths of grieve. People are trying.

They try to say the right things, they try to help, they try to make it better.

But let me tell you, nothing is going to make this better.

Some days what you say will be fine, you may say the same thing another day and it will break that mum’s heart.

You may say one thing to one mum, the same to another and it won’t be received in the same way.

I get that this is so hard to know what to do.

If you are the lucky one, the one that has never experienced it, it’s impossible to know what to say and what to do.

But you know what that is totally ok.

As generally us parents don’t know what to do either.

Don’t try to fix it, it’s never going to be fixed.

If I can give you one piece of advice, it would be listen.

Don’t listen where you are waiting for your chance to speak, I don’t mean that kind of listen.

I mean really listen, if they say they are ok and their voice is breaking, tell them you know they aren’t ok and what do they want you to.

If they message you late at night know they can’t sleep because of the nightmares that hit their dreams and reply and ask them what they need.

If they smile but their eyes are red and puffy from tears, ask them if they want a hug.

If they look tired and you know it’s an anniversary or important day, ask if there is anything you can do.

Ask.

It’s the only advice I can give you.

If I am having a bad day I will be emotional, I will want to talk about Rhianna, I may want a hug, I may want a coffee, I may need to just be taken away from the situation.

If Mr L is having a bad day, he will be grumpy, he will want his space, he will have a short fuse, he will just need time to go and be with himself and his thoughts.

Two parents, one child missing, two different ways to grieve.

You can never preempt what people want.

You can never make it better.

You can never fix it.

You can say sorry and you can ask, ask what they want, need and want will help to get through that day!

Just ask!