Seven and a Half Years

Next week Rhianna would be seven and a half years old.

And I have been feeling it the last couple of days.

Not missing her anymore than we all miss her every moment of every single day as that is a given.

We always miss her every single moment.

But I have been feeling the ache of her not being here.

I think it’s the only way I can explain it an ache.

It’s the feeling of all the things that we have missed.

Seven and a half years is a long time to be without her.

And it upsets me that we have missed so much.

Simple things, that that you wouldn’t think about, but things that are so incredibly important when your baby isn’t here.

Her laugh, her sense of humour, what things she likes, doesn’t like.

What food she eats.

What food she hates.

What is her favourite teddy at night time.

Who she would prefer to take her to bed.

What stories she would love.

What her dress style would be, would she be a Tom boy or a girlie girlie girl?

All those things and more we don’t know about her.

And then there’s the bigger things.

What colour would her hair be, would she have her brothers red hair, her brothers mousey hair, her daddies dark hair or my strawberry blonde hair?

Would her hair be straight or wavy?

Would she have blue eyes, brown eyes or hazel eyes?

Would she look like me or her daddy?

Would she be sporty or arty?

Would she….

Could she…

There are so many questions.

So many that can’t be answered.

So many we will never know for sure.

And as the years go by the questions grow.

Would she like school?

Who would be her best friends?

What clubs would she be a part of?

Would she do choir, brownies, cubs, ballet, gymnastic, horse riding, tennis, football?

The list becomes endless.

The answers become non existent.

And really as the years go by what we are missing grows.

It’s now seven and a half years worth of life we are missing, soon it will be 10 years, then 15, then 20 etc etc.

And then the questions will be would she be at college, or university?

Would she have kids, would she get married?

Would she travel the world?

What would she do as work?

And none of them can be answered.

Not one of them!

And today and the last few days I am just sad about it.

Sad what we are missing.

Sad what we don’t know.

And just bummed out that we will never really know her.