Back To Routine, Back To Normality

So today the boys went back to school, normality is resumed and the routine is back.

I always find this day a funny old day.

It’s a day that I always think of Rhianna.

That sounds a bit stupid I always think of her, but I think of her even more today.

The madness of the morning and the craziness of getting two boys ready for a new school year pulls me through the week before the end of the holidays and through the morning and the dropping off.

But when they are finally in school, when it’s just me at home and Mr L is at work and the boys are at school it hits me hard.

There should have been one more, one more uniform, one more set of shoes, one more pe kit, one more new school year, one more new school teacher, just one more.

Everything should have been one more.

In the past this day has thrown me, its made me cry, it’s upset me, it has floored me.

I feel this year I have been a bit more prepared for it.

I don’t cry about it, I think it is such a misconception that when you have a bad day because of grief you cry all day. You don’t. It’s a dull ache, a sorrow that nothing can fill. A void I suppose.

But I knew I wouldn’t feel my best today.

So I preempted it, not something you can often do with grief.

But after the last few years, I knew it wouldn’t be great, I knew I wouldn’t want to overly see people and knew I would feel just meh!

So I planned to do nothing.

I tidied the house, I have walked the dogs.

I have done some cooking.

And I have been catching up on some of my TV programmes and doing some crafting.

Today is a day for self care.

And self care is what I am doing.

It doesn’t make it go away, but it makes it all that little bit more bareable.

And some days when your missing your child, that is all you can do.