The Things People Say and Do
Don’t call Rhianna’s death, “the case”, “the event”, “that thing that happened”, “the problem”, or “the issue” Rhianna is and was our baby girl she isn’t any of these statements, she is our baby. She died we are all coping in our own way but please don’t ever insult us by not even mentioning her name when you are talking about the situation that we are in.
Don’t assume that you know how we feel, because to be totally frank you probably don’t. Don’t sit there and say “I totally understand” if you have never been through this you really do not understand, and we both hope that you never ever will.
Don’t assume you know what we need, we barely know what we need, so I am baffled how you know what we need. “You need to be around other babies” “You need to steer clear of babies” Only we know what we can do, and to be honest every baby is different it depends how we feel on the day and the distance we have from them. Don’t assume you know what our answer will be, we don’t so you really can’t.
Don’t leave us alone, you wont catch this it is ok. We can talk about other things, we still have Baba we still have a life we are not consumed with just talking and breathing the death of our baby.
Don’t feel bad if you don’t know what to say, it is fine, neither do we. Just seeing people is fine, sometimes that is all you need.
Don’t feel bad about moaning about your lives. “So sorry I shouldn’t be moaning with what has happened to you” It is fine, it is nice that you act the same. Do moan we want to hear about your lives.
Don’t act like you have forgotten, we want to know what you think, and how others feel.
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Do ask if we are ok, we will more than likely lie, but it is still nice to be asked. There may be times that we will break down when we are asked so be prepared it happens and we don’t always know when it will happen.
Do say Rhianna’s name, especially when talking about her, we wont spontaneously burst into tears, and we wont combust, she is our daughter our family and we will always talk about her so you can do to.
Do remember her, she was a part of so many lives even though she never breathed the air we breath so we want people to remember her.
Do say “you lead us” “you tell me when you can’t cope and I will step back” it makes us feel comfortable to tell you the truth and we don’t feel so bad when we need to say enough is enough.
Do act normal, talk about your issues, your child’s constant crying etc don’t be scared.
Do accept that we may not be as full on with your new-born as we would have been, please don’t be offended as I already said sometimes it is ok, other days it is too hard. We will get there but please don’t take it personally.
Do be there when we need you, you don’t have to say anything you just need to be there 90% of the time.
what a wonderful post and i hope it helps others help you both x x x
Thank you I hope so xx
All of this. All of it.
Still here. Still reading.
If you haven’t, maybe think about joining the right where I am project. I really found it helpful to look back on myself this year and see how far I have come.
Thank you and I will do sounds a good idea xx
Amazing….Fantastic tips all in one place. I wish I could have shown it to people when we lost our 5 babies. Well done for putting it out there.
Thank you and thanks for all the help xx
Thank you for these reminders Kerry. None of us can understand unless we’ve been there ourselves and sometimes that can make us feel anxious about what and what not to say when all we want to do is help.
I know it makes it very difficult but I do hope that this blog helps people in the future xx
Everyone needs a reminder. It would have been my nephews fourth birthday this week. Sending you love as always
Thank you xx
Excellent post. Hugs and wish that was a face to face one. x
Thank you Susan means a lot xx
a lovely post xx
Thank you Carol xx
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m going to share this with my family and friends, as I know they are nervous about doing/saying ‘the right thing’. I haven’t read anything else that has come as close to how we are feeling since the loss of our son.
My thoughts and sympathies are with you and your family.
I hope that it helps and our thoughts are with you and your family too x
I love this post so much, Kerry. I hate the reasons you’ve had to write it, but think it’s beautiful, nevertheless.
There’s nothing I can ever say that will make you ‘feel better’ about losing Rhianna, if I’m being honest I don’t think you ever will feel better because the fact that you lost her will never go away. Just know that I’m always here for you if you need to talk, I’ll make sure I remember everything that you’ve said here and never try to hide away from the fact that you lost your precious daughter, of think I’m making you feel better by pretending she didn’t exist.
Love to you all, as always xxx
Thank you Jayne means a lot xxx
Such a wonderful post, so very honest and clear. I often think of you all and talk too about you and Rhianna, to my mum, to my friend. When something comes up that reminds me of you all, I know you don’t know that, well you do now, but I hope you just know that I do think of you all. Sending hugs. Zo xx
Thank you Zo that is so kind that you talk about us to your friend and mum, thank you that means a lot xx
Lovely Kerry I so wish you had had Rhianna longer and I so wish I ould make you feel better but I can only send you my love and Rhianna my prayers.
Both my mum and dad have died and it breaks me sometimes to talk or think about them because they were fabulous and I am so utterly sad other times I want to talk about them for hours and hourds but when I do someone always seems to think I need grief counselling!
No ones going to get it right all the time but you say what you need love like this and it gives them a chance to reach out. God bless you and yours and God bless Rhianna Lily
Thank you Becky and as always very wise words thank you xx
I could have written this post myself…so much of it is a common way most of us “babyloss” parents feel I think.
I do sometimes feel bad for people because my reaction one day might be entirely different to one I have on another day – it is so dependent on how I’m feeling. I think people can be damned if they do or damned uf they don’t. But the best ones stick by us no matter what.
Thanks for sharing xxxx
The best ones defiantly stick by us no matter what. You truly find out who your friends are and who is strong enough to be your friend when you loose a baby. xx