#ThisIsMyTruth

There is nothing more to say than this.

I am a mother to four children.

But I only have two beside me.

Two physically growing in front of our eyes.

But there should be six of us.

Not just four.

Rhianna Lily died.

She died at 23 weeks and 5 days.

I gave birth.

Not a normal birth, a silent birth.

No crying, no joy, no screaming and no baby desperate for milk.

Just silence.

Stillness.

Nothing.

That day a part of me died with my baby girl.

Then five months later I was pregnant again.

We were worried, we were scared but we were secretly excited.

At 13 weeks and 5 days our baby died.

We didn’t know their sex.

I became a robot.

I detached myself from the grief.

The pain.

All I wanted to know was did I have to give birth again.

Did I once again have to live with a silent baby entering the room.

When I found out I didn’t and I could either have an operation or take the natural route.

I took the operation.

I had it and I came home and the miscarriage was never really mentioned.

Two babies taken from us in just seven months time.

One who was born so silently, but left my body thinking I had a baby beside me, throwing the after labour pains at me, the milk arriving ready to feed our baby, our dead baby. And then another baby taken away from me in a moment through an operation that meant nothing.

I am the 1 in 4.

Twice in one year.

Twice in two pregnancies.

Our babies died.

We have four babies.

Two alive.

Two dead.

We all died a little when Rhianna Lily died.

When I had my miscarriage I became a robot.

We are that family.

We should be a family of six, we aren’t we are a family of four.

But we will break the taboo.

Rhianna Lily and our baby wont be forgotten, their brothers know about Rhianna Lily and they will know about the miscarriage in time. They will always be told about them.

We will break the taboo.

#thisismytruth

Saying Goodbye launched #thisismytruth yesterday in babyloss awareness month. This campaign is to break the taboo, and to talk about our own truths, and all our children. 

Saying Goodbye started a similar time to when Rhianna Lily died, since those first few days I have been in contact with Zoe the founder of Saying Goodbye. She got me through my darkest days loosing Rhianna, she was one of the few people who knew we had a miscarriage, she was one of the handful who knew I was pregnant with Boo, and in all seriousness she kept me sane. 

We have always stood by Saying Goodbye, and we have been to their services and have remembered our gorgeous babies while we are there. 

You can find out more about Saying Goodbye here, and can follow them on Facebook, and Twitter. 

Please help them to break the taboo, please talk about #thisismytruth