October Pregnancy Loss and Awareness Month

I have been quite quiet, October is Pregnancy Loss and Awareness Month, the last two years I have really shouted about this month.

Breaking the taboo.

And I wanted to again this year.

But you know what I don’t have the energy.

I want to say life gets better.

It doesn’t.

We have lost our baby

And every day we struggle.

I will never have my little girl

Ever

And my life will never be complete

And it doesn’t get better

It doesn’t get easier

The pain never disappears

All I want in life is a little girl

Our little girl

A girls laughter,

Girls toys

Her brothers protecting her,

Her providing them with some sisterly love

But it doesn’t happen

Instead we all slowly go through life

Not complete

With a little bit of us already died

Nothing changes

Nothing gets better

If anything it actually seems to get harder

I long for my little girl

I long to have three children here

The aching never goes

The pain never leaves

And there is always a massive hole

Life doesn’t feel complete

It hasn’t since she died

We will never be complete

I will never be complete

A little of me died the day she died

And it will never come back

So this year I hope you remember the babies lost in Pregnancy

But this year I can’t shout about it

Because I long to have her with me

I long to have three children in the house

I long to be a mother of three children

Three children that are running around

And being children

And I am not

And I wont be

And it is so so hard

It is so sad

And it doesn’t get better

It doesn’t get easier

The ache grows

The longing grows

And I miss her no less

If not I miss her even more!