Six Weeks Time

Six weeks

Only six weeks until you haven’t been here for three years

Six weeks until we lost you

Six weeks until we held you for the first time

Six weeks until we held you for the last time

I should be running around trying to find your presents

Planning your first birthday party with your preschool friends like we did for your brother

A little party at home

With pink paper for pass the parcel

Peppa Pig and Frozen mad

Little girls getting their faces painted

And dressing up

Instead there is nothing

There is no planning

There is no “where’s my baby gone?”

There is no “I can’t believe she is three”

Every day we ask “where’s my baby gone?”

Every single moment

We ask

We cry

And we grieve

Instead of getting excited

Instead of planning

We have stillness

Quietness

No excitement in the house

No little girl starting to struggle to sleep

Just because she is too excited

There is nothing

Just nothing

It’s a numbness

A numbness that takes a hold of you

You watch the world go past

You go through the motions

Because otherwise you would just stop

You get up in the mornings, you smile, you carry on

You put the fact that there is no planning to the back of your mind

As long as it will stay there

You try not to think about the quiet

The stillness and the emptiness

And you try not to think about the flowers

Because who buys flowers for a three-year old?

Parents who don’t have their toddler to hug,

To hold

Or to kiss on their most magical day

Parents who can’t shower them in gifts,

Who can’t take photos

Who can’t make memories

That’s who