If Only You Could Plan Grief

If only you could set a day

Or a time each day

Where you will just feel a bit rotten

The world will just be a bit too much

And you can go and hide under your duvet

The world will just stop

Just to let you grieve

To cry

To be still

To miss

And to have some time

But you can’t

It’s like one final twist of the blade in your heart

Nothing can prepare

Nothing can warn you

You are fine

Everything is fine

As fine as you can be

And then grief comes along it climbs in your lap

It smothers you

And it doesn’t matter what you are doing

Or where you are

You can no longer see baby girls

You have to avoid the aisle of baby clothes

Because absolutely everything that reminds you of a baby girl makes you feel rotten

It gets into your heart

It gets into your soul

Every breath you take

Is a breath of sadness

Nothing can help

Nothing can make it disappear quickly

It’s like you have to sit and ride the wave

The world carries on around while you are stopped

On automatic pilot because you know what you need to do

You just don’t want to

And then its gone

It leaves you as much as it ever leaves you

Just enough to function ok

To smile a little

To see the things you are grateful for

To see the beauty in the world

Rather than just darkness

And in a way your exhausted

Tired of the tears

The sadness

And the waiting

The waiting for it to come again

To smother you once more

And to make the world so so dark again