Last Week

Last week was a hard week, it resulted in lots of crying and lots of bad moods, and feeling bad.

I am not sure why, I suspect that it was a culmination of various events, it was a busy week, busy in a good way and busy in a bad way and we were thrown into the depths of grief to be honest.

It was Rhianna Lily’s 8 month anniversary, and we did ok. We are always quieter, I don’t think it will be like this every month for the rest of our lives, but at the moment each month hits us hard. It is like the air around you stops for a moment, it is a horrible feeling, but you keep going, because we have Baba who has to keep going. But it doesn’t mean that each month is hard.

Last Friday was particularly hard, mainly because I think it was sandwiched between two hard days itself.

It all started Thursday, when we were once again put in the paper, without even knowing, as the fight regards to Rhianna Lily’s grave still continues, and we were reminded of the whole sorry affair, and the fact that we still have had no confirmation of what can and can’t go on her grave and that we have basically been called a bunch of liars. It makes the whole process of grieving so much harder, and there is so much more to this story, something that I can’t even begin to start writing about now. I will one day right now it is too hard. But it made the whole day difficult and that was the start of the tears really.

This pain that is hard anyway and is increased by insensitivity followed through to Friday we did try but we were constantly reminded of our pain to be honest. It also followed through to the Saturday which was Rhianna’s Daddies best friend first month anniversary and Daddies birthday. The day should have been so different, and what should have been doesn’t come into our heads overly but on special days it does, and this day should have been very different to how it was.

There were too many emotions to deal with in one week, far too many things flowing around in our heads. Too much pain in our hearts and something had to give.

It was Saturday I spent a day in tears nearly, and found the whole day extremely hard, it was a great release and once I started I couldn’t stop until there was nothing left, and to be honest once I had done that I felt so much better. I felt a weight had gone of my shoulders, and I felt like I could start again with everything.

I feel better today, we have that first month over again, we have Mr L’s birthday over, we have months of events now and I think this may be happening all the time at the moment. After all we have our first Christmas without Rhianna, my birthday in January and then just a months break before her anniversary. It isn’t going to be easy but we will all get through it that is for certain I know that. But I also know that there will be some serious bumps and horribleness along the way.