Christmas Is Coming

And there is no cheer!

Today has been a really really hard day, tomorrow is the first day of December, and it hit like a bolt of lightning. Usually we are getting all excited, and are all in the Christmas flow, going out shopping, and getting presents ready and decorating the house.

This year though it is different.

This year our Christmas wont be what we wanted it to be.

We can’t make it the Christmas that we want? We want something we can’t have.

We can’t be 100% happy. We will always be missing that one thing.

This Christmas we should have two children at home, one bubbling super excited 4-year-old, and one tiny little six month old, learning to sit up and experience her first Christmas.

We will never have that Christmas, never ever. Our Christmas will always be missing Rhianna, it will always be one child missing, a time that we really can’t forget her.

We will always think of the things we could be buying, think of her, what she would be doing, what she would be like and what our day would be like.

Christmas will always have a black cloud, it wont be the day to forget all our troubles and to be full of joy. It will be the day that will always be tainted, and filled with a little sorry.

This year is particularly hard, being the first year. We are really doing it just for Baba, we are trying to get in the spirit, we are trying to make it fun because he deserves it. We are having everyone here and to be honest neither of us want to see anyone at all. We want to curl up and hide away and not to really even think about the fact that it is happening.

We are angry, hurting and wanting to scream at the world. Yet again we are doing something that we shouldn’t be doing. And yet again we are sad and in pain.

And for the first time ever we could quite happily cancel Christmas as we really don’t feel much like celebrating.