Hard Moments

Every so often you get a slap in the face moment.

It can be anything, and it can be anywhere and you never know when it will happen but it does, and it really stings and is painful! Really painful.

I have had a few recently, ones that have really taken my breath my away, and have stopped me in my tracks.

They are little things, that seem so trivial but really bring a pang of pain to my heart.

Recently Baba has been saying “he wishes he had a baby in the house” it will just come out. In the middle of the day, while he is sitting and resting and it is said with such thought and emotion. He isn’t meaning anything bad, he is just saying what he is thinking. It is like a knife is being stabbed into my heart, and the pain is just unbelievable.

I want to say to him that we all wish that, but there really isn’t anything to say back. He may be four but he knows, I think he knows a lot more than we can even imagine to be honest. And it hurts, it is painful to hear what he is saying. He is in pain as well, he misses Rhianna and he expresses it very differently to us, but it is still there and to hear things like this from him is really hard. I wish that we could do what he wants for him, and it is so hard when there should be a baby in the house.

Everytime he has said it, it has literally stopped me in my tracks and made me feel awful as we just can’t give him what he wants.

The other thing that I have found really hard these last few weeks, has been Mr L and Baba connecting. I of course LOVE that they are getting on so well, don’t get me wrong. Baba has always been a Mummies boy, he has always wanted to do things with me, but as he is getting older he wants to do more and more with Mr L and they go off and spend time doing boys things. And it really hurts, it isn’t a jealously thing, I love that they spend time together, I really do and it isn’t a jealously thing. It hurts because I am on my own, and in those moments when I am on my own I think the most about Rhianna, because I shouldn’t be on my own when Baba is off with his Daddy I should be looking after a thriving 6 month old, helping her get around in the world and explore all the things around her. And I’m not. I am on my own.

It brings the harsh reality back to me and it hurts and it’s painful. So so painful and it has been stopping me in my steps these last few weeks, it has been upsetting me, it has been making me angry, but I am trying my hardest for it NOT to take away the loveliness that is Baba developing an even better relationship with his Daddy!

But it still hurts!