Guilt, Heart Ache and Guilt

This past couple of weeks has been Baba’s half term, we have been working on the house and blogging and the business have been put to one side.

But it is ok…

I needed to step away.

This year I struggled with Rhianna’s birthday, more than I have ever before. I have always thought I have failed her, she died when I was carrying her, and for a few months now I have thought I have failed her even more. I see so many charities and fundraising for children who are no longer here on earth and Mr L and I don’t do any of that, it makes me feel bad. I feel like I could do more, I should do more, but am not really sure what I should be doing.

It is something I struggle with.

Almost daily.

Guilt.

I feel guilty I couldn’t save her, guilty I didn’t protect her, guilty I didn’t know, guilty I couldn’t help her.

Guilty that I don’t shout about her more.

That she doesn’t have a charity or an event in her name every year.

I have always thought I was a good mum, that I put everything I have into the boys, they always come first, but I feel guilty that I don’t put everything into Rhianna.

That I don’t shout about her, help to solve what happened, that I just don’t do enough.

This year after her birthday I have felt it even more.

And I have really struggled with it

I got upset about it and got worried about it

There is such a thin line,

An almost invisible line,

One where you balance the levels

The mothering of the children here with you and the mothering/remembering of the child in the sky

It is almost impossible to balance

If I do things for Rhianna I feel guilty for not living for the boys

If I live for the boys I feel guilty not remembering Rhianna

I hope that what I am doing is a good balance

But I still feel guilty I / we don’t do enough in her memory.

Her birthday was an event just for us

It was a family day

I loved it was a family day

I didn’t shout about it

I didn’t get lots of other people involved

We did what we needed to do and it was ok

It really was a nice day

But I still felt so guilty

I felt that I should have been shouting about her from the rooftops

I should have been planning some elaborate event

Some massive fundraising event

But instead we did nothing like that, we had a lovely quiet day with the family, we gave her flowers, we had dinner and we spent it together.

It was as perfect as it could be without her.

There are so many things I planned to do with her

So many things I miss

Mother and daughter things

Things I will never get with the boys,

I will never get with their partners,

And I miss it already

I miss the growing up of a little girl, into a stroppy teenager, into a lovely woman

I look at my relationship with my mum and I miss it already

I miss that I will never have that relationship with my little girl

I miss something that I wouldn’t have for over 20 years

I miss it already

And I feel so guilty

So guilty that’s all I can think about

Everything that I will miss from today until I am no longer here, for years and years to come.