Grief Takes No Prisoners

Grief takes no prisoners, it doesn’t care if you are having a good spell, a good month, week, day or even hour. If it wants to attack it will.

And when it attacks, it attacks.

This year I did quite well.

I was looking forward to Christmas, the first one ever since Rhianna died. I was excited about seeing the boys open their presents. I was excited about the celebrations and I wasn’t just constantly thinking of what we were missing.

It was going to be a good Christmas.

I did cry on Christmas day, that is the norm now a days, all over my presents from the boys and Mr L, they were happy tears, but still tears. I was never going to manage it without tears.

I thought I was doing well.

Then yesterday came, and the tears flowed.

Missing Rhianna is hard every day, missing Rhianna at Christmas is even harder. There is no break from it. No break from children or toys or what should have been.

I struggle every year.

This year we went to Butlins and there were little girls Rhianna’s age, running around with their dolls, their teddies and everything a three-year old girl loves.

And I miss it, I want it in our lives and it isn’t there.

I am surrounded by boys and I love it but I miss the other things I should be surrounded by.

It’s the little things that people don’t even think about.

Braiding her hair, hair clips, nail varnish, make up.

Princess costumes, shoes, dress up, sparkles.

Handbags, clothes, teddies, dollies, prams, babies.

I miss what I will never have.

Girlie days out, chats about boys, hiding things from her brothers and daddy.

Mum and daughter chats, cuddles, sharing.

Watching her fall in love, getting ready for a wedding, experiencing her having her own family.

A mother daughter bond.

I miss it.

I will always miss it and it breaks my heart.

There will never be a realease from it.

I will never stop missing it.

I had it, I lost it and now I will forever miss it.

And the grief doesn’t care.

Grief takes no prisoners, I was doing so so well…

We have always used Saying Goodbye as a support after loosing Rhianna and continue to do so, if you have been affected by babyloss please contact them, and if you can try attend one of their services. You can see a list of services for 2016 here.