When Grief Hits…
Grief is the ultimate non planner, you never ever know when grief will hit, but when grief hits, it hits hard.
Today was one of those days, it is 38 days to Rhianna Lily’s anniversary.
When she died we were told repeatedly that time heals.
Time doesn’t heal that is a load of stinking crap.
You go through life, you do smile, you do laugh and you can be happy.
But every year.
Every single year.
You relive every single moment of that dreaded time.
Time doesn’t heal.
You live in a time zone.
A horrible warped time zone, where you relive the worst thing that has happened to you over and over again.
And it’s hell.
There is no healing in that time.
And it becomes hell for everyone in the house.
We grieve differently, there is no escaping that.
But when grief hits, we also collide.
I don’t think people realise that.
I miss Rhianna, I cry, and cry,
I talk about her, I write about her,
I will get out her photos I will buy something for her
Be it flowers, or a keepsake
Something
Anything to remind people she is here.
I will take photos, I will post them on the internet
I shout her name
Her Daddy gets quiet,
He goes into his shell
He doesn’t mention her name
He doesn’t talk about her
But he so so misses her
Her big brother says nothing
He keeps it all in
He remains strong for Mummy and Daddy
He becomes the adult in some ways
At seven he holds the family together
As he has done many times since he was three
He doesn’t realise it
But he keeps us all going
But he so so misses her
Her baby brother he is still so innocent
He knows he has a sister
He knows she lives in the sky
That’s his world that’s as far as it goes
I am so jealous of both the boys
Baba because he deals with it so well
Boo because he doesn’t understand it
How I wish I didn’t understand it sometimes.
But unfortunately it doesn’t work that way
Instead we live with the pain
We relive the fear, the hell that we lived that day and we will every year around her anniversary
We live this weird and horrible time warp
Never getting off that train
Time doesn’t heal
It just reminds you what else you have missed
This year she should be finishing play school and starting school
This year we should have two children at school
We don’t
Instead we will cry for the moments we have lost
The memories that wont be made
And try to stretch the little memories that we have for longer than they should ever have to be
Grief is a bitch, and today has been one of those days.
