Grief is Selfish – That’s Sometimes Good and Sometimes Bad

Grief is very selfish

In some ways that is good in others it isn’t

Everyone has to deal with grief in their own way

Everyone is different

So it is good that there is no right and wrong way to grieve as no one does it the same way.

In our house alone, all of us grieve for Rhianna differently

We all have certain things that make us sad,

Certain things that make us angry

And certain ways we cope with those feelings.

I cry, Mr L goes off on his own and ponders, and Baba gets angry

It’s good, it’s healthy

But then there is the other side of grief being selfish

The bad side

You get so wrapped up in your grief

In your pain

In your sorrow

That you live a tunneled life

You don’t see what is happening around you

I suppose in a way your brain is protecting you, shielding you, letting you cope

But sometimes you miss the good things around you

I always focus on how much Rhianna dying has affected me, Mr L, Baba and Boo

I focus on our lives changing

On us changing

And I focus on our immediate families, then I kind of stop

Not in a horrible way but I can’t be looking after other people,

I just about survive looking after my family

And I don’t always see the grieve others have

As her third birthday/anniversary is coming up and I am probably talking about her more and more

My eyes are becoming more open

It’s the phone calls from a friend who wants to donate a bear to Aching Arms the same as us

It’s the messages of support

The fact that people still think of her

It’s the fact that lilies remind people of her

That people light candles on her birthday

That people blow out more candles on a cake for a her

It’s these things that I miss

These things that I don’t see, and these things that I should see

Rhianna never took one breath on this world

She never once inhaled oxygen and her heart never beat after she was born

But she touched so many hearts

Not just me, not just her daddy, or her brothers, cousins, aunties, uncles, grandparents and great grandparents

But our friends, people who would have watched her grow

Interacting with her or just virtually through the blog

Rhianna touched them all

In a way I am totally in awe of our amazing little girl

That is a massive achievement for someone so small

Someone whose heart never beat after she was born

I always worry that if we weren’t here she wouldn’t live on

But it’s not just us who keep her alive

It’s our family, it’s our friends.

It’s the lilies that make people smile,

It’s the stars in the skies,

It’s the candles burning on her day,

It’s the extra blowing out of the candles,

It’s the donating in her name,

And its the warmth everyone shows when they say they remember.

Sometimes my grief, our grief is so selfish we don’t see it

So thank you, thank you for reminding us

Thank you for thinking of her

Thank you for remembering her

Most of all, thank you for holding her in your heart