Fear and Doing

Loosing Rhianna Lily has changed me. In so many different ways.

I have lost friends, friends who couldn’t cope with a friend having a stillborn baby.

Couldn’t cope with talking about that taboo subject

Couldn’t cope with the death

The funeral

And all the pain that came with it

I understand why they stepped away I really do

But it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when it happened.

Some are returning, some are gone forever.

I gained friends some people who I thought would never cope with Rhianna dying became some of my closest friends

I gained friends with people who totally understood the pain

People I probably would have never connected with otherwise

But other than all of that I have changed

I have joined this club, the one you can’t leave, but never be a part of. I will always be that mum who has a dead child.

That one that lost her daughter.

It’s a horrible thing to be a part of.

Loosing Rhianna has made me vulnerable, made me scared, and made me fret about things that I never before would have worried about.

I hate to be on my own.

I am totally reliant on Mr L, he says I am strong, he is my rock.

I panic, panic so much about the boys.

When Rhianna died Baba slept in our bed for so many nights, I couldn’t have him apart from me, I wanted him in my sight at all times. I still do.

Baba was a sick baby, I coped, I didn’t like it but I coped with it. I hate both Baba and Boo being sick now. I panic I am fearful.

I have been in the worst place and I never want to be in that place again.

I do let them out of my sight, I do let them do things, it’s my issue not theirs and I wont let it affect them. But my god it’s hard. I fight daily, hourly even with it, the fear of loosing your child.

It wont effect them, if anything I fight it so hard that I make sure they do what they can. I want them to live life, I want to see them live life I don’t want to be living in a cloud of loosing Rhianna.

I want to be enjoying life and I do I battle to.

Because that is what she would have wanted.

I fear it and I do it anyway.

I don’t think I will ever stop fearing (not sure how I will cope when they are adults) but I also wont ever stop doing!