Christmas and Grief

This weekend is mental.

The next few weeks are mental.

Not just a little crazy.

Completely mental.

And I know I have done it on purpose.

It’s almost a coping mechanism nowadays.

I have to charge through the month at lightening speed.

Boo has made the first three days easy.

1st of December hits and all I can think about is Boo’s birthday.

The world focuses about his day.

Just like it does for Baba.

This year I am doing him a little tea party at home with a few of his friends.

But now I know that if I don’t have big plans for after that I dive.

And I don’t want to do that I want to keep upbeat and happy, and I really want to look forward to Christmas this year.

But I haven’t since 2011.

That was the last Christmas I was proper happy.

The last Christmas before.

Now they are all after.

And I don’t want to fall apart.

I don’t want the momentum of being excited for Boo’s birthday to then disappear and the rest of the month be so hard.

I never know how to approach December.

I just want to be so happy

But there are so many reminders.

We should be going to two Christmas Plays,

We don’t we go to one.

We should be having three stockings in the house

We don’t we have two

We should have a house full of superheros, babies and Peppa Pig

There are no babies

There is no pink

No pretty dresses

No gorgeous hairstyles to put our little girl in on Christmas day

I really miss doing gorgeous hairstyles on Rhianna

It was something I never got to do

But something I was so excited about from the moment I knew she was a girl

I will never have that

It breaks my heart

I don’t want to be sad this year

And somewhere, somehow I am not really sure how

But somewhere I have subconsciously made this month so busy

That I don’t think there will be any time to stop

Any time to be sad

We have birthday parties, plays, Christmas parties, Performances and Santa visits planned for the month

And this year instead of her daddy and I being so sad after Christmas because the reality hits you

The missing child

The missing hugs

The missing smiles

The missing child

The missing piece

This year for the first time we are going away

To make some special memories

To create an amazing Christmas for the boys

If any of this works who knows!

I just want a Christmas where we can all be happy again.

A Christmas like the ones we had before

I don’t want a Christmas like we have had since for the rest of our lives

But it’s never going to be that easy is it

Because the truth is…

You can’t turn of a switch and stop missing your baby girl

Never ever, not even for one moment!