Two Years Today

Two years ago today I was pregnant.

13 weeks and 5 days pregnant

But at 13 weeks and 4 days my midwife couldn’t find the heartbeat

So two years ago today Mr L and I were once again for the second time that year sat in the hospital

In the hospital your big sister died

In the hospital we walked away with no baby

Waiting for a scan

In fact we went for an early baby check first,

They tried with a doppler

They couldn’t find the heartbeat so we were sent for the scan

While they cursed my midwife trying to find a heartbeat so early

But they sent us anyway

And we stood and waited

Anxiously waiting

Praying everything would be ok

But knowing our last experience of a scan was not a good one

We so needed good news that day

But good news never came

We went into the scan room

Such a small room compared to the other scan room.

The lady had grey hair she had a lovely smile

But there was nothing to smile about

There was no heart beat

You had gone

I don’t know if you were a boy or a girl

But we loved you anyway you were our rainbow after your big sister

But you were too frail

You just couldn’t do it

Once I heard those words once again “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat”

There was only one thought in my head did I have to give birth again

We walked back down to the early pregnancy unit

Ironic as we no longer were

In silence

What do you say when you loose two babies in 7 months

What do you say?

I was scared, I was numb

I didn’t want to give birth again

I didn’t want to hold another dead baby

I didn’t want to have to bury another dead baby

I wasn’t strong enough

Mr L was broken

He had nothing in him I could see that

There were just no words

We were told that as we were only 13 weeks and 5 days I could have an operation or go down the natural route

I opted for the operation

I needed it all done quickly and I needed to get out of the hospital

I was booked in for the next day

I had things said to me

And I took nothing in

Two pregnancies in one year,

Two dead babies

Two babies dying on a week and five days

I hated the five days

Rhianna died at 23 weeks and 5 days so she could never be registered

This baby died at 13 weeks and 5 days so I could have an operation and didn’t have to give birth

I don’t know whether to be pleased or cry some more

I knew I was numb

That was all I could feel

I knew that we had to make those phone calls again

Tell the few family members that knew and the couple of friends that knew

Saying those words again

“We’ve lost the baby”

They broke us

They made us numb

They made us robots

There was nothing we could say

There was nothing we could do

We were totally and utterly broken