The Reality of Grief

One reason I started to blog about Rhianna was I needed a place, a place to pour out my feelings as I found it so much easier to write than speak.

But over the years the reasons I blog about Rhianna remain the same, but have also changed, a bit like grief really it constantly changes.

I blog to get out the things I can’t say when talking, I blog to keep her memory alive, I blog to help someone else who is living with stillbirth, I blog to show people what grief is really like.

And last week grief was utter and total crap.

It was a super hard week.

And I think people who have never experienced grief think that you get sad at Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries and the rest of the time you miss them but life is ok.

I know I used to think like that.

It’s not the truth.

Just out of nowhere grief can hit and it can hit hard.

And there can be no rhyme or reason to why it suddenly hits you. But it does and every single time it is like clawing out of a black hole with your bare hands.

And it never gets easier.

And you hit out at the closest people to you.

I have said some horrible things to Mr L since Rhianna died, I have accused him of not caring, not understanding, never getting how I feel, not being there enough, not loving her enough, not remembering her enough.

All things I am so disappointed that I have said to him.

All things that I wonder why he stays sometimes.

But he does.

He takes all of the horrible statements.

He doesn’t argue.

He takes it he hugs me, or he leaves me alone, he has become a bit of a master of knowing what to do at what times.

And then he comes back whether it is minutes, hours or a day later. He gives me a hug, reminds he knows, he gets it and just get through the day.

The day then becomes days and sometimes weeks but eventually you feel a bit better and dont cry that day or the next and until next time it is ok.

But there is no rule book and grief would be so much easier if it was just birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas, but thats not the case.

Instead it’s the coat you would have brought them, the day school starts, the moment you see your children and there’s a whole where another should be, it’s watching TV and seeing a baby being born or baby announcement or just because you want to hug them once more, you want to see their smile, hear their laughter and watch all your children together.

Anything can start your grief.

That’s the biggest knife twist in this whole process, ANYTHING can start your grief. But NOTHING can stop it!

It’s a circle you’re on forever and one you can never jump from.