That Question
I love talking about Rhianna, to people who all ready know about Rhianna.
I find the hardest thing in the world is telling people about Rhianna in the first place. When I get asked ‘that question’ how many children have you got I get stuck I stumble and I don’t really know what to say.
Half of me wants to say two, because that is the truth, but then they ask how old they are and then they would know that Rhianna isn’t here, and then you get that look.
I hate the pity look, the ‘oh I am so sorry’ ‘I don’t know what to say’ ‘oh god I shouldn’t have asked so sorry’ have all been regular responses in the past.
So I just get stuck.
Mr L is much better at it. People ask and he just says “I have two, but unfortunately Rhianna died” I envy him for that. I just find it so so difficult.
This weekend we were at a wedding, a good friend wedding, and there were people there we had not seen in a long time. Some I hadn’t seen since college. I hadn’t even thought about it to be honest, it didn’t even enter my head that someone may ask how many children I have.
It did happen. An old college friend who I have not seen for at least nine years asked how many children I had. For ten seconds I thought about it I really did, but something inside told me that if I was ever going to do this it was going to be now. This used to be someone who I was good friends with so I should at least try.
So I did it, I told them we had two children, but Rhianna had died in March. I did it, I didn’t start instantly crying and they didn’t run away, they also didn’t give me the pity look. Which was amazing. I got a sorry off course I did, I got asked if we were all ok and do you know what it was fine.
I told the truth, I didn’t hide Rhianna, I never want to hide her. I didn’t lie about her, I told someone about her, someone who wasn’t living the hell with us when it happened, but someone who asked and I then told.
It was a big learning curve for me, and one that I was really proud off. Mr L was proud I did it as well, it was something that has really bothered me and something that I have really struggled with. I am not saying that I will do this from now one, as it really does depend on how I feel at the time I think. But for once I have answered that question and been ok, and someone else knows about our little girl. They know she existed and for a moment someone else thought about her.
I’m proud of you too x
Thank you Carol xx
I have tears in my eyes writing this Kerry. What a beautiful post and so so strange I literally echoed this conversation with my best friend over the weekend – how do I answer this? How do I answer when I am asked how many children I have? So far its only been asked a couple of times (as most people know what we are going through) but it happened last week with a woman I havent seen in 6 years. I didn’t know what to say and ended up in tears, making her feel awkward and me feeling terrible.
Well Done, well done for being brave to talk about it, and Rhianna will have been right there with you, smiling and feeling proud of her mummy too. Beautiful post XX
Thank you Louise I was the exact same as you just not knowing what to say. But I knew that I had to chance it as it wasn’t sitting comfortably with me and the wedding was a perfect opportunity to be honest xx
I’m just about reaching the point where sometimes I want to keep Freddie to myself now. Mostly I fudge it ‘I have 4 girls and a boy at home’ or ‘6; 4 girls and this is my newest boy’. I can’t say 5, I just can’t but I can say versions of it that are true without being a betrayal. It takes time though.
That is a great way of doing it! That is my problem I can’t say one as that is a lie xx
I am very proud of you, this must have been so difficult. Thinking of you always xx
Thank you I have found it really hard, but I am so pleased that I did it xxx
Well done you. You shouldn’t have to hide Rhianna and I am glad that not hiding her is getting easier 🙂
Thank you Emma don’t know whether I can do it every day but I am trying xx
I am very proud of you x while Rhianna may not be here to see she holds a special part in your heart and life and she will always be a part of you – x I can only imagine how difficult that is and I talk daily to mums who have suffered the tragic loss of a child, they all say the same thing its difficult to say you have a child who died, they feel guilty when people apologise even when you tell them.
It is so hard, and you do feel guilty which is rubbish as you really shouldn’t x
I’m proud of you too sweetie.
I find this question exceptionally hard…because the answer would be no if I didn’t include Finley. But that would be denying that I was ever 9 months pregnant, that I was in labour for 25 hours, that I ended up having a csection, and that Finley is my son.
It has gotten easier for me to be open about it. I long to speak about him, and I have met quite a lot of new people since we moved.
When I was home in Canada just a few months after Finley died though, I attended an alumni event for the marching band I spent 5 years in as a teenager. I hadn’t seen most people in years, and so everyone would approach me and say ‘so what’s new in your life?’ I ended up just breaking down and crying so I ended up having to leave. I wasn’t ready yet.
Sending lots of love, and I’m glad your friend was understanding.
Lisa
http://dear-finley.blogspot.com
Thank you it is so hard isn’t it to say those words! Big hugs lovely xx