The Start of Year Three and A Missing Child

Last week Baba started year three and there was a significant missing piece this year.

I tried my hardest not to let Rhianna being missing to overshadow the day, but it was flipping hard to not let it all be about her.

It was a dread that had over shadowed the whole of the summer, I am hoping it didn’t show too much to other people but it was something that was always on my mind.

Buying Baba’s uniform was left to the absolute last-minute, as I was dreading buying it.

Just one uniform, nothing else.

It took me forever to buy as every time we went I had to stop and come home and have a little cry.

Usually Baba’s clothes are all ready a few days before school, this year I was still sorting them the night before.

I was dreading the first day of school, every single moment of it.

From the moment we woke up, Rhianna was just on my mind.

There should have been two children getting dressed.

One year three and one little reception child.

I missed putting her hair into bunches

Putting on her little pumps

A little school dress

And a little cardigan.

There was a hole in the back to school photo.

There was only one child standing in their school uniform and there should have been two.

I was dreading the school walk, and the drop off.

Baba was all excited and raring to go, and was in Juniors now so he could go straight in, Mr confident and not worried at all.

Unfortunately we have to walk past reception to get to his class.

I managed to keep my head down going in.

It was harder coming out.

A whole class of new small children.

All children that would be Rhianna’s friends.

Somewhere standing there was her best friend.

There was someone she would love to hate

There was someone she would get in trouble with

There was someone she would scream and shout at

There was someone she would laugh with

There was someone she would tell her secrets to

There was someone she would grow old with

There was someone she would fall out with

There was all the children that would have been her friends near me

Children that would have been in and out of our house for years to come

Laughing, shouting, crying and growing

Instead they wont be in our house

There will be no girlie nights

No girlie best friends forever

No crying over boys

No giggling over boys

Just nothing

I was so dreading starting school this year

And it wasn’t just about missing Rhianna on the day

It was about seeing her future and seeing the silence that was there instead

When you lose a child you lose every moment, every milestone forever

And when the milestones should happen

The future you are missing once again rears it head

It’s ugly head and you so clearly see everything that you are missing

All in a flash, all in a moment

The life you should have had is there

And then it is gone

The impact is made,

And then it is taken

And the silence the still is left

And it is numbing

And painful

And so so hard.