How Rhianna Affected Us – Messages from Family and Friends

Loosing Rhianna didn’t just touch us, as her parents or her brother, it has affected many other people.

People don’t know what to do or how to react when you lose a child. On her anniversary we wanted to put together some thoughts from family and friends about when we lost Rhianna, we want people to understand how it affects everyone not just the people closest.

These little letters are from my own sister, some of our life long friends, some friends who are only friends with one of us, and some very new friends.

But more than anything we wanted to get across the fact that this is not a one way street that you walk down with child loss, it is very different for everyone, and if just one of these letters will help someone in ours or our friends and families situations that we were all in last year then this post has been worthwhile.

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Rhianna Lily,

We were all very excited to hear you would be arriving in July 2012. You were already part of the family. We made future plans with you already included.

It all then changed.

I received the devastating news that you had stopped breathing in your Mummy’s tummy.

I was shocked, I felt physically ill not understanding why this had happened.

A Mummy and Daddy’s worst nightmare.

I tried to put myself in their position and did not know how I would have coped.

Then having to tell your cousins the terrible news, that you had not been strong enough to be able to meet them. Even though I knew that you had stopped breathing, I still hoped and wished for a miracle until you were born.

I knew we then had to be strong for your Mummy and Daddy and big Brother.

Life seemed so cruel.

We all stood around your garden to say goodbye.

Why you? You were so tiny and looked perfect, but too precious to be able to stay.

We may not have met you, but you will always have a special place in our hearts.

Lots of Love

Auntie S xxx

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It’s hard to write down how I feel as I’m not too good with words when it comes to things like this.

What did Rhianna mean to me? Well, Kerry is a good friend of mine and when she found out she was pregnant I was over the moon as she already had the gorgeous Baba but would be bringing another beautiful life to the family. All was going well and we found out she was a girl, perfect, I was so happy for the whole family and planning to take photos and when I would be able to see her etc.

I remember that horrible feeling when I got the text of what had happened, I remember where I was at the time and it was the most heartbreaking feeling and all I wanted to do was to be there for Kerry and her family, but I am many hours away and it was a delicate time and it was a selfish thought really.

Kerry kept me up to date with what was happening and I felt like I went through the whole experience with her and cried knowing the pain she was going through. Then Rhianna Lily came into the world sleeping and she was the most precious little girl with beautiful lips and I could feel the love that was there for her.

It’s now a year since Rhianna came into the world and it’s hurts me how much pain Kerry is still going through but at the same time I know it’s because she is loved so very much and will never be forgotten.

Rhianna has touched all of our lives in different ways and I’m glad that Kerry is still sharing her with me.

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So where to begin, writing is not usually my strong point and I have pondered on this for a while about where to begin and how to start. Your mummy asked us to write about how Rhianna’s death affected us and that is hard to put into words.

The first thing is an overwhelming sadness for you all, having children of my own and having been pregnant the thought of loosing that without having had the chance to smile down at your little one in your arms as they gaze at you must be devastating.

Then the awful thought of all the sadness your mummy had to go through to give birth was so upsetting.

I just had a feeling of helplessness of feeling so desperately sorry for you all but knowing that nothing I could do would be of any comfort or make it any better.

Then there was the guilt, knowing that I had just sent over bags full of little baby clothes for you and imagining now the extra pain that would cause you was horrible. To think that I had, unknowingly added even a tiny bit more pain to you all was such a terrible thing.

Watching for the last year the pain and strength of you all has been so sad but also inspirational and Rhianna’s memory and short life will always mean so much to you all always. Xxx

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Dear Kerry, Mr L and Baba,

I have found this hard to put into words, as I know your grief for Rhianna is so vast, I can hardly comprehend what you are all going through.

I have never known anyone who has lost a daughter, so this was new to me. I wasnt sure how I should react, whether to talk to you all about Rhianna or not, or just to ask how you all were. It is such a delicate subject that it has taken this happening for me to understand something about grief that I didn’t really know about before.

It isn’t something to be brushed to the side, or ignored, it is something that everyone needs to talk about, especially those who are most directly effected. This grief was very different to any I had experience with, to go through the excitement of expecting Rhianna, to then have her taken away, before anyone knew her, seemed so unfair, so tragic, that I had to think before saying anything, I did not know how you would all be feeling, if you would be able to talk about her, even if you wanted to, would you feel you could. I have spoken to you (Kerry) about this, even if only through face book and texts. Reading your blogs has made me understand more about how you are feeling and how you want to be treated and how you want Rhianna to be treated. I almost felt guilt when this first happened, when you came round and E was there, I felt guilty to have my daughter in front of you, which is ridiculous, as I know you wouldn’t be thinking that, but I really worried about it.

I understand now, that even though Rhianna is not here with you, you still have all those new parent feelings, you want to show her off, but are unable to, you want friends and family to tell you how beautiful she is, but are not sure how they would react to a photo of your daughter. I am only now, beginning to understand a tiny portion of what you have gone through. I think about you all most days, about how strong you are as a family and how proud Rhianna is looking down at you all, and enjoying all those balloons her big brother has sent her. Her place in your heart will never change, it will only grow when you meet again.

Love to all of you, your experience has opened my eyes, made me realise how lucky I am and how much I didn’t know about the grief of loosing a child, especially a baby. I only hope that this shows you how Rhianna has effected my life, I will never forget her, and the next time I visit, I will be asking to see her photo, so I can tell you what you already know, that you had a beautiful little girl, who is making the stars in the sky brighter and watching over you all. xxxxxxxxxx

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Sometimes words are not enough.

I remember feeling completely numb and heartbroken for you when I got your message so cannot ever imagine how it feels for you. I wished that I had a magic wand and that I could just make it all better and bring your baby girl back to you where she belongs.

I think that Rhianna is a very lucky little girl to have such amazing parents and such a wonderful big brother in Baba who keep her spirit very much alive as part of their lovely family.

Although she cannot be with you physically ( she is too busy doing her angel work in heaven) you will always carry her close to you in your hearts and thoughts. Her tiny footprints are imprinted into your lives forever and I’m sure she will be twinkling love down on you and watching over you always. xxxxxxx

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The loss of Rhianna Lily was a such a shock, as a mother myself, it was the worst thing imaginable. Even now, after many hours talking with Kerry, it is not a pain I feel I can ever truly comprehend. I am overwhelmed how Kerry and her family have reacted, with such strength and grace and openness. They have no idea how much they have helped others with their honesty and how much Rhianna has touched my life and others.

To me Rhianna is strength, is grace, is openness. Above all she is love. She is everything her family has shown. She has touched my heart and my life, she has made me change the way I think and how I react and relate to others. x

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Being a mum to L and having that special bond between mother and child, that no-one else will ever understand, I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache and sorrow that you went through when you lost Rhianna.

It made me look at L with a fresh pair of eyes and to stop taking her for granted.

Watching Rhianna being laid to rest was one of the hardest things to watch, her coffin was so tiny – a painful reminder of who was inside. Watching you and Mr L comfort each other made me realise that love DOES exist. And then to watch Baba getting excited about letting off pink and white balloons for his sister brought me comfort and happiness to know that as a family you will be ok xxxxxxxx

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Thank you to all our friends and family that have written these letters here x