Rhianna’s First Birthday

Today is your first Birthday!

We have gone 365 days without you

It has been 52 weeks, 12 months and one whole year since we held you, and since we saw you.

This year has been a hard one, one that we never thought that we would be living.

I could go on and on about the things that we have missed.

Hearing you cry, seeing you grow, listening to you breathing. Watching you smile, sit, gurgle. Having your fingers wrapped around ours, getting hugs. Being able to hold you.

Watching you with your big brother, watching you develop that bond that only brothers and sisters have.

There are so many things we have missed.

We have had many sleepless nights this last year, but not for the right reasons, not because you have kept us up being a pickle, more because the nights are so quiet.

There has been so much pain, so many tears, and so much sadness.

I could go on and on about it for ages and repeat it over and over again.

Unless you live it I don’t think you can ever explain it.

But throughout the year there have been these moments, these moments of brightness.

Your Daddy is my rock, I wouldn’t still be standing here without him, every time I have fallen he has been there propping me up and making me strong again. Even when he has been at his weakest, especially when he lost Uncle Dave. He still manages to keep me going and never ever doubts what I want to do for you.

I love your Daddy with all my heart, and am so glad that he is your’s and Baba’s Daddy. It is true you never know how strong someone is until they are in the situation. Your Daddy is so strong, and he is so proud of you.

He has never once paused like I do regularly when asked how many children we have, he has never doubted what we do for you and how we help Baba to understand what has happened to you.

He is so proud of Baba and you, you are his children and he loves you unconditional both as much as each other, and he does not care if others find it awkward that he has a child in heaven. If he want’s to talk about you with Baba he will, and they will just accept it or not! And I love him so much for that.

He has taken on some awful roles this year, telling Baba, propping me up at your funeral, (quite literally) and then loosing his best friend. But he has done them all and with so much grace and so much strength. He really is an inspiration.

Then there has been this little shining star, in you and in Baba.

There are so many things to say about Baba. He has kept us going, quite literally at times. He was the only reason I got out of bed this time last year! He was the only reason I ate or drank as I had to do it all for Baba. He needed me and he pulled me through by being just him.

He makes us smile, when we feel down, he cuddles us when other children wouldn’t realise we needed cuddles. He makes sure we are ok but then he pulls us back into reality. He tells me to stop being sad I have him, and he is right I do have him and he makes me smile every day. And he never forgets you, for a tiny little four-year old he is so mature. So better at this than me and Daddy. He is accepting and he has no doubt you are with him everyday. And we love him so much for how strong he has been and how mature about all of this he has been. We are so proud of him as he is off you.

He reminds us everyday that you are to be celebrated.

Not in sadness but in joy.

He buys you things all the time, he made sure you could see his Christmas decorations, he gets excited about flowers for you and he knows with no doubt that you see everything that he does. He draws you things, he chats to you, he sends you things. He throws feathers to the skies, he leaves balloons for you and he puts things in the window for you.

He loves you so much, as we all do and he makes us realise that we have to celebrate you.

So today we are.

We have a cake, we have flowers and we have lanterns, all on orders from your big brother, today is when we celebrate. It’s your first birthday and when Baba was asked what we should do, his only response was have a party. He wants everyone here, he wants to celebrate, he wants to go to your pub and that is what we will do.

For him and for you.

We have lived a year without you, a hard year without you.

We all miss you everyday.

You are our beautiful gorgeous little shining star.

Today we will all hold our heads up high and celebrate you, and give you a birthday to remember, because today is your day, your brother want’s it to be your day I want it to be your day and your Daddy want’s it to be your day.

Happy 1st Birthday Rhianna Lily xxx