Grief And A New Baby

Grief is an odd one you think you are ok and then something very strange sends you months back and you have to start again.

Having Boo has changed the way we are grieving for Rhianna. Changed the way I am grieving.

When Rhianna died I threw myself into talking about her remembering her and trying for another baby.

Then I fell pregnant and the stress started and everything I had went into doing everything I could to survive the pregnancy and have a healthy baby. Now Boo is here and I love him, I adore him like I do Baba but there is this dull ache.

This realisation that I will never have my little girl.

Pregnancy with Boo was so hard and I don’t think I can ever go through that again. So there is now no chance of having another little girl.

There will be no barbies, my little ponies or shopping trips to buy little dresses. There will be no hair plaiting or make up or princess dresses in my house.

They are all things I was so excited about with Rhianna.

There will be no doing up my amazing dolls house for my little girl. I will do it up as it needs it but it will sit there.

Not being used.

It’s a different grief. 

A grieving of the dreams I had for Rhianna.

Instead my life will be wrestling, football and Lego which I will equally love.

But there is a sadness letting go of the dreams for my little girl that I had and I kept onto incase Boo was a girl.

Now they need to go and its hard to let go of them.

It’s the final letting go.

I have my baby girl, I had her, I held her and I will love her until eternity but my dreams for her will never come true and its a hard, final thing to do.

And I am just not sure I am ready to accept there will be no little girls dreams coming true quite yet or if I ever will be!