Fleeting Moment

Four years have passed since Rhianna Lily died, everyday we live our life, and life is good, we are happy, we smile, but we live our life with Rhianna’s fleeting moments.

Four years ago seems like such a lifetime ago now. But at the same time it seems like yesterday.

I am such a different person to what I was, and I miss that person.

I used to be confident in my decisions, independent, now a days I second guess myself, and I depend massively on Mr L. He puts up with a lot of crap and I know that.

I worry so much more than I used to, I get scared about the slightest rash, mark, bump or temperature that the boys have. Things that I never used to worry about, and I worry about myself and Mr L, I need his reasoning a lot more now than I did before.

I have a smaller network. A much smaller network of friends. It saddens me that it has happened.

Loosing Rhianna changed things, people hurt me, I hurt people, I know that now. Four years down the line, I can see with a clear head that I did that. I pushed people away, I shifted blame onto them.

People couldn’t handle it.

People stepped away, they didn’t understand the pain.

It’s horrible to not have some of those people around anymore.

But others stepped up, ones I never thought would. Ones that I never ever doubted and ones that are still with us by our sides. Those are the ones we are grateful for.

And they still stand there, when we need them as we do still regularly and probably will forever.

Life has a definite divide, we lived our lives before Rhianna and after Rhianna.

It is strange to have a then and now divide in your life.

Four years ago I was properly happy.

That doesn’t mean that I am not happy anymore as I am, but happiness now has a tinge of sadness. Something that never used to be there before.

Four years ago, we had dreams, we had Baba and a baby girl on the way, you plan the kids future, he was the arty one, she was the one that would run rings around Daddy, would be sneaking out of the house and causing mayhem. Always a Daddies girl and one that would be identical to him.

Without even realising her life was mapped out.

But it was never meant to be and now I can pinpoint the last time I was happy and carefree.

But I am still happy, I laugh, I smile and the boys fill me with piles of happiness, enough for anyones lifetime.

But there is a flicker.

A small flicker almost a fleeting flicker.

But it’s there.

Would Rhianna love this?

What would she think?

Would she be doing this?

It comes it goes and it passes.

It isn’t enough to make you sad, it isn’t enough to ruin the happy moment but it’s there.

Every event.

Every moment.

It’s always there.

And it isn’t just me.

You see it everywhere.

You see a little girl the same age, you see clothes in the store, and the flicker appears.

Would we buy that?

Would she be like that?

It’s not a thought to ruin a moment.

It rarely stops you in your tracks.

But it is always there.

Lurking

And it makes a difference.

Not a massive one but one.

I suppose in a way it’s the same as waking up each morning, and it taking a little longer to realise she is gone. I can now look at girl clothes, I can even buy them, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t think of the clothes that I would buy my little girl.

I can see our family and friends little girls and not walk away crying, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about whether Rhianna would be the same, would she like the same things.

And it breaks my heart when I see Mr L with them. I see how wonderful he is with them, how much they love him and I hate that he doesn’t have that Daddy / Daughter relationship, that really breaks my heart. But it doesn’t make me burst into tears anymore I can sit and watch, I feel upset, but I can be in the room.

Life has moved on, and we do smile we are happy but life is so different.

There is always a fleeting feeling.

A tinge of not sadness, but of what could have been.

A thought about how our life should have been.

The plans still running through our brains.

Plans from four years ago, stuck in transition, never to be completed but can never be let go.

It’s an odd feeling.

Life goes on, and can and is still great.

But the plans you made, you can’t let them go, and you can’t forget them, but they will never come true.

So they go through life with you.

You live the plans in your head.

Fleeting moment by fleeting moment.