You Turned Four
Six days ago you turned four, six days ago was your birthday.
It was a nice day.
We got to spend it as a family.
We had fun.
We smiled.
We got to be together.
We remembered you.
But it has taken me a long time to recover to be honest.
Longer than ever before.
Boo has never commented on you.
He is too young.
He doesn’t understand.
We don’t even understand so how would a 2-year-old understand.
We talk about you.
We tell him all the time he has a sister in the sky.
But he doesn’t understand.
Your birthday we were coping.
We were surviving.
Then out of the blue.
Boo looked at me across the lounge
Completely serious and determined
“Can we go and get my sister from heaven now?”
And he broke me in two.
I have got pretty good at keeping the day happy on Rhianna’s birthday
I try my hardest not to be sad
To make it fun for her brothers
But that statement broke my heart
I literally had no words to say to him
I looked at Baba and walked out the room
I couldn’t even tell Baba to look after his brother
I had to walk away and cry
And it made me cry so many tears
All he wanted to do was get his sister
His big sister
The one that should smother him with hugs and kisses
Look after him when he falls and be his other mummy
He can never have that
It was an innocent comment
To him we talk about her always being in heaven
So logically lets just go and get her
If only it was that simple
An innocent comment that ripped my heart in two
He wasn’t even thought about when she died
He wasn’t here
He has no memory of her being here
No memory of me being pregnant
Nothing
But he is missing her
He wants her in his life
And in that moment
With that innocent comment
The world came crashing down
Rhianna dying didn’t just break my heart
It didn’t rip a hole in her Daddies heart
It didn’t tear Baba’s world apart
It also has torn apart Boo’s
If Baba gets married she wont be there
If Baba has kids they will always be missing their aunt
Wondering about her
If Boo gets married she wont be there
If Boo has kids they will be missing their aunt
We as her parents will always look at children Rhianna’s age and wonder what she would be doing
But grief is selfish you don’t think about others
That innocent statement reminded me
Baba will always be looking at people with younger sisters, wondering if that would be him and his little sister
He will always miss her being here
Their bond that only a brother and sister will have
Boo will always miss her
He will never have a hug from a big sister, words of advice from a big sister
They will never have that extra motherly person in their life
Never have that sister judging their other halves, making their opinions and looking after them
Never have that sister that they have to protect whether she is younger or older than them.
It isn’t just us as her parents that have our lives ripped open and changed forever
It is our whole family
That sounds stupid
But it doesn’t stop with us, or Baba or Boo
It will be their families as well
Always missing her
Always remembering her
