Capture Your Grief – Today

Today where am I with my grief?

I am happier.

I am not so tired.

I feel like I do not have to consciously make an effort not to be sad anymore.

I still have bad days.

I will always have bad days.

I am ok with that.

But they are just that, bad days.

They are no longer bad weeks, bad months a bad year.

They are just bad days.

Have I stopped grieving?

No.

Do you ever stop grieving?

I don’t actually think you do.

My life is a life with grief in it.

With the worst thing in the world happening to us.

But I feel like we have walked a path.

Mr L and I walked a very different path for a while.

We lost our baby girl together.

We grieved so so differently.

And that’s ok.

I have learnt that.

But it was so hard at the time.

And it made life even more upsetting as we fought about it.

We screamed at each that we weren’t grieving the way the other understood.

I talked, he clammed up.

But I feel like we have come out of that now.

We understand we do it differently.

We have our own space with our grief.

Not that we don’t come together, we do.

But he has his quiet moments and I off load to anyone and everyone.

And that’s ok.

Today I realise no one knows how to do this path.

No one knows what is right or wrong

And no one can have the exact same story as someone else.

Grief is so personal

And that’s ok.

Today do I miss Rhianna less? No

Today do I think about her everyday? Of course

Today do I wish she was here to complete us? Absolutely

Today do I cry every day? No

Today are the ideas of what could have been so painful? No they are more of a fondness now, ones that can even make me smile.

Today I know that grief can be unpredictable, I know I can never predict when it will hit any of us, myself, her daddy or her brothers.

But I also know it can hit hard, it can floor us but it will unite us.

And we will all support each other.

And we will be ok after a couple of days.

Today I know that her anniversary is never mentioned, her birthday however is celebrated every year.

And that makes us all happy.

Memories for Rhianna are made.

Today I am confident that this will never change.

And whatever else we feel every other day of the year, every year we will celebrate our star in the sky and unite to remember her and make new memories for her.

Today that is as great as it can get, and actually today I am ok with that .