And It Hits You

I have been feeling out of sorts all week.

I hate this time of year.

There is no denying how much I hate it.

Some years it’s fine.

Other years it isn’t.

This year is a particularly bad year.

I am dreading getting closer and closer to Rhiannas birthday.

I am hating the days.

I am feeling the expectation I should be over this now.

I am really having a bad time with it at the moment.

I am not going to lie.

The bad day has turned into bad days turning into a bad week.

And I am not sure when it is going to get better.

I don’t know why its worse this year.

If only I knew.

I just know it is.

So today I went to the beach.

It’s where I recover.

Where I am at my most peacefulness.

Where I can try to process what is going on.

It was cold.

It was super windy.

But for the first time this week I felt a little bit calmer.

A bit more in control of my feelings.

A little more at peace.

If only a quick trip to the beach could solve all the problems.

It really can’t but it does help a bit.

After I decided to go and sort out Rhiannas grave.

Change her flowers.

Clean it up and make it look beautiful again.

I am glad I went.

It was needed.

I needed it.

Rhiannas grave needed it.

And for now I feel a tad better.

Maybe tomorrow I will wake feeling a bit better than I have today.

I don’t know.

If only I did know.

But there’s so much I don’t know.

So much about grieve is unknown.

And sometimes that is the hardest thing.