Always Remembering

Baba amazes me.

He is an amazing child.

I am bias obviously, but I am not just saying that because he is mine.

I am saying it because he deals with things so well

Loosing someone you love is hard at any age

It’s hard whatever life they have had

But it is something most of us don’t experience that early on

Baba hasn’t been lucky in that department

He has lost people he totally loved

Completely adored

And he isn’t yet six.

Telling a three-year old their sister has died is hard

It’s hard saying those words

It’s hard understanding what they understand

And it’s hard as you still have to protect them

You still have to not scare them

When we drove home from hospital the day we found out about Rhianna

We had so many questions and we were blindly walking a path we didn’t understand

We didn’t know whether to tell him or not

We didn’t know what to say

How to tell him

Who should tell him

We knew nothing

Except to steer away from she was sleeping

We both knew that could scare him and didn’t want to say those words

It was so hard

I didn’t do any of it

It is something I will always respect Mr L for, having lost his baby he had enough in him to tell his other baby

I couldn’t I didn’t know how

And Baba just took it in

I don’t know how much he understood I still don’t know what he understood in the early days

Not sure we ever will

But he has beautifully accepted she isn’t here

She lives in the sky

She has a great time up there

And the things he comes out with at times are the only reason we get through the days

He has saved us with his unique innocent way of understanding death and heaven

More times than I would like to admit

He has never said a lot about Rhianna

He mentions her occasionally

He never asks to go to her grave

And we don’t push it

We didn’t ever want that to be a chore

People do it their own way and if Baba wants to go he knows he can ask

It is left like that

But he still amazes me

On the most usual of days

He turns up with flowers

A selection in three different colours

Beautiful flowers

Flowers that are to be planted in our garden

Flowers for Rhianna Lily to see

And he made sure they were three different colours so she can see a colour for Baba, Rhianna Lily and Boo

He doesn’t have to mention her name every day

He doesn’t have to be sad every day

To Baba she is the another part of him

He loves her unconditionally and he never buys something and not think of her

He always remembers

She is always with him

And that is why he is an amazing little boy

Never forgetting his little sister