Always Missing

Life is manic and I love it.

I love running around after the boys.

Visiting friends

Spending time with the family

Going to lessons

Visiting places and watching them grow

We are busy in the house

Busy moving things around decorating

Changing things

Busy in the garden

Busy with each other

But there’s always a hole

Always something missing

It is always there

You can be the happiest you can be and the hole is there

You can be loud and busy and the hole is there

You can be exhausted and tired and can’t sleep because the hole is there

You can be laughing but dying inside because the hole is there

Nothing closes it

Nothing stops it

Nothing makes it disappear

The hole is always there

It doesn’t get smaller

It doesn’t heal

It is always there

And what do you do?

Is it going to be like this forever

Something always missing?

Does it ever get easier?

Do you ever not miss the third laugh,

The third voice,

The third cuddle,

The third pair of hands?

Does the hole ever get smaller?

I don’t want another child,

I can’t mentally be pregnant again

But I desperately want a baby girl!

I have a baby girl

But she is missing

And I don’t want her to be missing

I want her to be here

To be laughing, shouting, arguing, giggling, crying

Just to be here

And she isn’t

She’s missing

And no one can change that

But there is always this hole?

And what do you do with a hole?