A Bad Time Of Year

This time of year is never that easy having one child in heaven and two here.

It is a busy time of year for us with all of us having birthdays and then just the general hustle and bustle of Christmas.

Having them both in school this year is almost even worse really, I am really feeling the hole of not having Rhianna here.

I didn’t really expect it.

But that is always the way with grief it is always when you least expect it.

And I wasn’t expecting it at all.

But it was dates that threw me.

Always dates.

We got the dates for the school plays, two dates one for BB one for Boo and there in the middle was the date that should have been for Rhianna.

We should be going to three school performances, we aren’t.

Instead we are only going to two.

I didn’t go into a flood of tears.

It takes a lot for that to happen now, but it did stop me in my tracks.

And it has made me feel pretty low since.

It’s nothing that can be changed.

It’s just the way it is.

But it never makes it ok.

It never makes it easier.

And it never ever stops.

So I brought some flowers.

Like I always do, whenever I am missing Rhianna more than the usual day to day missing her.

Whenever I feel low about something or something throws me I find flowers help.

It’s amazing really I never overly liked flowers before loosing Rhianna.

Now they are one of the few things I get total comfort from.

It’s strange how your world changes after a loss.

How dates are suddenly so important.

How moments keep you going.

How the simplest thing throws you into dispair.

And how you can never ever plan for any of it.

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