Capture Your Grief – A Catch Up
I am determined to do the Capture Your Grief this year and this is a little catch up from having a week of not being able to write any Capture Your Grief posts!
It’s a bit different I get that but it is the only way I can get up to date.
And it is going to help me to do that I know that!
16 – Relationship – How have your relationships been affected?
This is huge! Mr L and my relationship have been through hell and back since loosing Rhianna, I have spoke about it so many times. We grieve differently and we really nearly broke in two soon after loosing Rhianna, it resulted in many rows, in bags even being packed at times. But we always managed to come back together. Six years later we are in a much better place, we get we do it differently and that is ok. We have come back together and we are ok, and laugh and have fun.
But babyloss doesn’t just stop with your other half.
All of our relationships have been affected.
We have lost friends, some who we thought were our closest friends have disappeared.
Others have resurfaced, ones we thought we had lost contact with were the first ones knocking on our door when we needed them most, and have never left our side since.
One thing we are certain off is the people we needed the most when Rhianna died, arrived, and those people that loved us were there and that was because of Rhianna.
I see it as a positive now.
6 years ago I saw it has being deserted when I needed them the most.
Now I see it as the people we always needed showed up.
And that’s because of our little girl!
17 – Gratitude – is it what it is talked up to be when it comes to healing and is it something you practice?
Being grateful is hard when you have lost a child.
But I am grateful every day.
Grateful my boys are here, grateful they made it.
And I am grateful for Rhianna.
She isn’t here, but she was here.
And I am grateful for that, for all the pain it causes, all the upset it brings she made us all better people.
We appreciate the little things.
We are happy just being us.
We appreciate the smaller things.
The little tokens of love.
The small gestures of remembering their sister and just being together.
18 – Joy – What are you thoughts on feeling joy and happiness after loss?
After Rhianna died I honestly didn’t think we would ever be happy again.
But we have.
We are happy.
That doesn’t mean that we don’t think about Rhianna every single day she is thought about.
But that doesn’t mean we don’t laugh, we aren’t happy, we don’t have fun and we don’t experience joy.
But it is always done with a thought about what Rhianna would be doing, what she would like, where she would fit in.
But there is still joy!!
And that’s the main thing you can smile, laugh and have fun after!
19 – Learn – What is something this grief experience has taught you?
Grief is very contradicting!
There are so many things I have learnt that you wouldnt say go together.
I can be happy but sad.
I am anxious but strong.
I can be laughing but crying inside.
There are so many things that I didn’t understand before loosing Rhianna and I had lost people before.
People who had good lives, that I had great memories with.
Loosing Rhianna was different.
There is a whole life planned but one that never happens.
And that makes the whole process very different.
I have learnt to be grateful for the smallest things.
Don’t be pessimistic.
Life can throw utter shit at you but the right people will be next to you and walk that path with you.
But the biggest thing I have learnt is ask for help!
Grief is the most individual thing in the world but you can’t do it on your own!!!
20 – Death – How do you believe we handle death? How can we normalise death and grief?
We handle death badly as a society, we handle babies and children’s deaths even worse to be honest.
No one wants to talk about it openly.
We walk around with blinkers on, muttering “oh we are so sorry” “time is a great healer”
It’s what we are lead to believe.
Time doesn’t heal death.
Nothing heals death.
Time means you move on, you take the best path that means you have the least pain but nothing heals death.
You can’t heal something so final!
How can we improve it?
Talk about it, not with adults with children.
Explain death to them, tell them its ok to cry, it’s ok to be sad next month, 6 months, next year even 10 years later.
Tell them it’s ok to talk about them.
To think about what they are doing.
To remember them.
To discuss what they would like, or not like.
Remind them it’s ok to talk about them and talk about missing them and loving them till the end of their time is perfectly ok!
21 – Myths – What are some of the myths surrounding death and grief?
Time heals, no it doesn’t.
I will say it again, you can’t heal something so final.
Time helps you adapt it doesn’t help you heal.
Having another child completes you.
No it doesn’t.
Nothing will ever complete you have a child missing you always will!
22 – Empathy – What are your thoughts and can empathy bridge the gap between bereaved and non bereaved.
Yes empathy could bridge the gap, but until people understand that grief doesn’t disappear it will never happen!
23 – Mortality
I have never been a lover of thinking about mortality, after loosing Rhianna it scares me even more, and is something I totally bury my head in the sand about and want to not think about at all!!