Twenty Third Twenty Fourth
It feels strange to be sat here writing, I haven’t done it in such a long time. Usually when problems arise the first thing I do is run to my pen or my computer and write. But recently I have found the retreating of writing and putting everything down into words just too too painful.
I haven’t wanted to remember the pain, I haven’t wanted to feel the pain and I have wanted to hide away.
These last few months have been hard we have been given a date that we dread every single month, the 23rd is no longer a good day. The day comes we deflate, we cry, we scream and we shout and then we get up and crack back on trying to get through the rest of the month and be prepared for the next 23rd of the month.
October didn’t let us do that.
October came along and hit us right where it hurts, bowled us all over and made sure that we struggled to ever stand again.
October brought us the 24th another day that will forever be engraved in our memories.
Let me explain…
March 23rd 2012 we lost our baby girl, I am sure you all know that all ready but it made the 23rd a bad day. October 24th seven months and one day after loosing our little girl Mr L’s best friend was killed fighting for our country. He was Baba and Rhianna’s Uncle he was going to be Rhianna’s godfather and once again we stood facing a world that we no longer understood. One that we never thought we would understand again.
We weren’t understanding but we were coping with the new world of loosing Rhianna had thrown at us, but loosing a great friend like that so close, and so fresh after Rhianna meant that we were again blindly trying to understand this confusing world like lost souls, with no one there to guide us.
We were beaten and I think to a certain extent we are still beaten, it has been hard to breathe. Hard to keep going, but the hardest of all has been explaining yet again to a fresh-faced four-year old that someone he deeply loved was no longer here. It was awful and far too much for him to take on his so delicate and fresh shoulders. But once again Baba excelled, he took it in his stride, he told his Daddy it was ok, “he was quite nice he would find a new friend.” He explained to Nanny that it was “Ok because his Uncle loved cheesecake and in heaven you can eat it all day and not get fat” he found the answers to everything that at the time we really couldn’t see and we still can’t to be honest.
He has yet again made us get up when we have wanted to curl up and give up. He has saved us once more this year and it is a thing that he really shouldn’t have had to do but he has.
We have had to fight to get here to still be here and we are continuing to fight every day. We wait for those dates the 23rd and the 24th we don’t want them to come, they are always dates we never want to be here, but they will always be here. Instead of the one there are the two and for two days we will deflate, and cry and scream and shout and survive. I don’t know whether they will get better, I don’t know whether they will get harder. I just know that right now they stop us in our tracks until we can start again!
Oh honey *hugs hugs for you* Don’t know what else to say x
Hugs are fab thank you xx
Oh honey I am so sorry! Sending you all huge hugs! xxx
Thank you very much xx
What a tough few months it’s been for you. No words to say, but sending you a big *hug* xxx
Thank you xx
I can’t begin to understand your pain and I want to reach through my computer and give you a massive hug. The part I can understand is the dates coming round again, I am lost and overwhelmed with grief because of the date on a calendar and the hurt it brings. I wish you all the love in the world and wish I could find the words to say more to help.
Thank you Linda, that means a lot just saying all of that thank you xx
What an amazing comment for your little one to make. So true, and thank God that children can move on and not go through the deep grief that us adults seem to. Sorry for your losses; hope time helps eventually x
He is amazing and that is so true, he just sees everything so differently and doesn’t seem to experience the immense pain that we seem to feel, which I am really grateful for. xx
For me the only way was to choose not to mark them. I lost too much of my life wearing black on days a person who had died couldn’t live. I wasted days grieving he would have laughed and shouted through. So for Freddie I tried to smile on the 2nd and ignore the 13th.
It’s hard.
I’m so sorry you’ve had more grief to cope with. It feels relentless, I know.
Xxx
I am sure it will get easier, it is just having them so close together that if you try to not think about one you end up thinking about the other at the moment. Relentless is the right word that is for sure! xx
My sweet, sweet friend. I wish I could wrap you up and take the pain away. I’m not sure if I could manage another loss on top of the one of my son, and it seems so unfair that this all happened to you.
I know it’s hard, but it brought a smile to my face to think of Baba and Rhianna’s uncle up in heaven eating cheesecake. And I’d like to think that he’s looking after Rhianna for you. It’s no consolation I know, nothing ever could be.
And so we keep on trudging…up to the dates that stop us in our tracks, just so we can start all over again.
Lots of love,
Lisa
Thank you, I don’t know how we manage some days but we are getting there gradually. Day by day some are hard some aren’t depends on what is happening around us to be honest xx