Seven Months
Tomorrow marks seven months since Rhianna Lily died. In those seven months I have developed a serious pet hate.
Easier!!
When we first lost Rhianna we were told by many many people that everything would become easier! The feelings would be easier with time, we would find the grief easier over time!
Nothing becomes easier!!
Easier is a lie!
There is no easier in our life.
It becomes different, completely and utterly different.
It isn’t easier that at seven months, we don’t have our daughter here with us sitting up, making noises and playing.
It isn’t easier at seven months that Baba is still missing out on his sister being here.
Easier is wrong!
Nothing is easier!
It is more about survival!
We survive the days, they don’t get easier, we survive not seeing Rhianna.
We survive never seeing her eyes open, never hearing her cry, never seeing her smile, never having her hands reach out and grab us.
We survive it doesn’t get easier.
We survive together, Mr L, myself and Baba
We survive every couple of days that little bit more, when Baba goes incredibly quiet, and has his head held down, because he misses Rhianna. That will never get any easier, never in a million years. Seeing your eldest child (who is only a baby themselves at just four) little heart-break because he misses his sister, because he wants her here with him, he wants to play with her, share things with her, hug her, kiss her that doesn’t get easier!
That we just survive, because basically there is nothing else to do!
We comfort him our hearts break that little bit more, and we hold him, we have no words for him, because basically there aren’t any and we wont lie to him we wont tell him it will get easier because it doesn’t as far as we can see!
I wont lie we have days where we laugh, we giggle, we are happy, but we are being happy and surviving! There is always a part of our heart missing, a part of our hearts with Rhianna and there always will be. We will never be truly truly happy because how can we, we are a family of four struggling as a family of three. But we aren’t unhappy, we are happy with a missing link.
There is always that little voice, actually the voice that makes you survive every day, that however happy you are makes you wonder about what should be happening. There should be two children in the house, and that is always in your mind, it keeps you going, it keeps you surviving, but it also means you are always aware off the piece in your heart that is missing.
We are surviving every day, every day we have a different challenge, but you know what we all get through it, we survive it.
It doesn’t get easier seven months down the line nothing is easier. We still don’t know when we will feel bad or when we will feel ok, we don’t know when we will cry, or not cry.
But every morning, every single one of us wakes up and we start the fight, we survive the battles, we survive the tears and we survive the laughter, to go to bed that night knowing that we have done one more day for Rhianna, one more day surviving and dealing with everything.
It’s not easier! Its surviving and living!
That is so true Kerry, I know our situations are different but we have both lost someone extremely special to us and someone who we loved so very much. The things people say to you to supposedly make you feel better drives me bloody mad, more than anything I come away feeling worst! I have had the “it gets easier” crap and I just want to scream at them that my life will never be the same again, how can it? Also you are spot on about surviving, at the moment I feel that I am existing rather than living, I am surviving because I have absolutely no choice in the matter. I am not being brave or strong I am doing it because there is no other choice, and definitely no other choice when you have a 3 year old that depends on you.
On that awful day a part of me died too and no matter what happens in the future I will never be as truly happy as I would be if she was still here, my life will forever be different because I will miss her and always wish she was still here.
Some people just really say the wrong thing and it is very hard not to be rude to them isn’t it? And some people just do not understand.
Keep on surviving my darling.
All my love, Lisa.xxxx
Thank you Lisa you keep on surviving too, and do you know what you become so thankful to those three years olds, because to them it doesn’t matter that your not being strong, or brave they don’t care they are just wanting you there and in their own super way they make you continue surviving. I know we are so grateful to Baba for that he got us through so many days when we both just thought that we would curl up and give up. But as you say you can’t they need you and now we are both so grateful to him for that! He has kept us going.
You keep surviving too xxx
Thank you my love.
It def is the little ones that make you carry on. As Baba is to you Liam is to me, if it wasn’t for him I could of quite easily crawled into bed, pulled the duvet over my head and stayed there forever.
Thank god we’ve got them!
Xxxxxxxxx
Thanks for sharing this. I lost my baby at 23 weeks too although I was carrying twins and his brother survived. I was told by lots of people (and some very close to me) that it was ‘easier’ this way than to have lost a singleton baby as ‘at least I had one baby left’…. this still hurts and makes me want to scream. Loss is loss is loss. 5 years on and I now have three children and one in heaven – and it’s harder not easier in some ways. My children talk about our ‘baby that died’ (we were never able to determine the sex of the baby as I had to carry it to term along with Lucas) and they tell me they miss it. Each day when I look at my blessed brood I wonder about our other child and it hurts, right in my heart there is physical pain. But as you say I take comfort in my living children and knowing that we all miss our baby helps. It’s not easier but sometimes it isn’t as bad as it was. And sometimes it is. But talking and sharing helps a little, thanks for doing that via your blog. I wish you strength for the future.
Thank you Helen and thank you for reading xx