Time Bomb

Sunday was a year since Rhianna Lily’s 20 week scan, a year since we found out we were having a girl and a year since we told Baba he was going to be a big brother.

From that moment onwards, I seem to have a memory for everything that we did between the 24th of February to the 23rd March 2012. It all comes back to me on a regular basis, I remember the outfits we brought that are still hidden away. The gorgeous baby clothes that Baba and his Daddy brought for me on Mother’s Day that have never left the drawer. I remember the feelings, and I remember the heartbreaking moment that everything went wrong.

I feel like I am on a time bomb at the moment. I feel like I am breathing ok and that we have somewhere found our new normal. Not the one we would like but the one we have to deal with.

But I am worried that in just a few days that is all going to come crashing down around our feet.

I am finding things harder and harder to deal with as the date gets closer and closer.

I can’t deal with babies, I can’t see them, I find it really hard. My chest gets tighter and I feel a massive lump in my throat.

I can’t bear to hear about people being pregnant. I hate everything about the way I feel when someone tells me they are expecting a baby.

And hearing a baby has been born is even worse.

The pain is unbearable.

It is literally a knife being stabbed repeatedly into my heart.

I hate that we never had that joy, I hate that I never got to finish my pregnancy the way it should be, and I hate having to listen to tales of babies. They are the tales I should be saying.

Everything around me brings pain at the moment.

I look at Baba and cry inside I hate that he is on his own. Listening to him telling his friends that he has a sister but she died tears me up.

We should be planning a party, we should be having such a different life.

But instead we are sat here without our little girl having to see other babies, hear about other babies and be excited that others are having them, and they are being born and right now I just can’t.

Because every single one of them things reminds me.

Tears at me

And pulls out my heart

That we don’t have that

We don’t have the joy

We don’t have the smiles

We don’t have the milestones

We have no smile to remember

No laugh to recognise

No sleepless nights to talk off

We have nothing!

And it kills, it hurts and everyday the pain gets worse and the memories get more vivid.

And all I want is Rhianna Lily alive and in my arms where she should be!