The Day Before

Tomorrow we have Rhianna’s debriefing.

It is a weird feeling to know that tomorrow is the time when we find out everything that happened or not as the case may be we have been warned that we may not find out anymore information than what we already know. But it is still strange.

It is very final and all seems very much like the door is closing in on Rhianna. It is a really horrible feeling, I know that isn’t true for us but medically it is and it just feels oh so wrong.

Even though we are almost 100% certain with the cause of Rhianna’s death, there is the thought in the back of my head. What if it was something I did? What if I was carrying something? What if I made her ill? What if I was the reason she didn’t survive?

Did I do something wrong? Did I not look after myself or her properly?

But worse than all of that there is this other doubt…

What if that is it for us? What if there was another reason than the one we think that caused Rhianna’s death and what if it is always going to be there?

These thoughts have constantly been in my head since we lost Rhianna, and at least tomorrow we should know some more. However that thought doesn’t do anything to help all of the other thoughts.

Today they are all at the forefront of my head today, I am worrying about this meeting, I am sad about the meeting and I am just a little bit scared.

10 days before Rhianna Lily was due to be born, we are off to find out why she died… something isn’t right in that sentence.