Loss, Grief and Stupidity

Loosing a child isn’t like loosing anyone else in your life. With relatives you are sad, but we will always have fantastic memories of our grandparents, things that are special, things that make us smile, things that no one else in the world understands as it was a special thing they did with you. They made you laugh, they shared firsts with you, school, you had hobbies together and you get through your grieve with those memories.

With Rhianna we have none of that. We have memories of her pregnancy, but we have no memories like we would if she had been here for a while. We have moments, snippets of time that are our memories. No one saw her, there is no one who has the same memories that we have we can’t share those memories with people who were there as there was Rhianna myself and her daddy. That was it!

It is a numbness with Rhianna, a pain that is so painful it stops your breath. It makes you ache from the tips of your toes right through to the top of your head. There is nothing that can change the pangs of seeing things you could have brought for Rhianna, seeing babies the same age, thinking what she should be doing, watching a mother rubbing her bump affectionately waiting to give birth to her beloved child. Those things have been snatched from us cruelly and terribly we are in the big wide world of grieve and we never know when it will strike the hardest.

Grief is a little like a thunder-storm, it rumbles around and around constantly moving and then the lightning strikes, even though the rumbling is there the lightning is still unexpected. It is a bolt, it fills you up and results in a huge clap of thunder, as the grief becomes all too raw and too fearful and you cry, you can’t control it anymore it becomes all that you are about. The tears flow and the rain falls, and then the rumbling resumes and you are left just carrying it around with you until the lightning starts again. You never know when this will happen but it happens a lot.

It happens even more when you are surrounded by people who have no idea how to deal with a child’s death. Why should people know? Unless you have experienced it you wouldn’t know and you know what most people can be forgiven for this.

Most people…

However people who have to deal with these situations, people who have to deal with families who have lost children should know. If they don’t they should be seriously pulled up on it.

There is no excuse, and there are “professionals” that we do have to deal with. We have dealt with health professionals, funeral directors and the council with regards to Rhianna her funeral and her grave. Some have been great, some have been truly fantastic, Rhianna’s funeral director is truly a lovely and respectful man and made a hideous experience as easy for us as possible.

However there are also some serious issues with other professionals. Some truly are idiots, and you wonder why on earth they have been put into a position to deal with families who have lost a child. They are inconsiderate, rude, and completely and utterly insensitive with their approach and dealings with us.

This last week we have been to hell and back, again, due to one such professional. I am not going to go into it too much, people know but we are also in the middle of a complaint procedure and I am not going to ruin that. Later I will blog about it more thoroughly but right now I want to explain the stress and upset that has been dealt to us in an already difficult time.

We have all including Baba been brought to tears, and been hysterical about the things that have happened to us in the last week. So completely shocked that for a couple of days, we just about managed to get through the day anything else was an achievement.

The professionals that we had to deal with last week, were probably the most insensitive and completely non understanding of our situation that we have had to deal with. Someone was more involved in their nitty gritty of their job than looking at the information in front of them and seeing that Rhianna has not even been from us for three months before thundering in with their stupid boots on and wrecking all progress of grieving that we had achieved. If they had looked at the information and maybe used a little common sense and dealt with us in a more sensitive way then quite possibly our backs would not be up and I would not have been hysterical late on a sunday afternoon, monday morning and calling my mum in tears on a friday morning either. If they had just thought that maybe this should be done a little differently than the insensitive way that it has been then we would never have had the undo stress and upset that we have had for a whole week. Leading to us all not sleeping brilliantly and all of us sat here not 100% due to their stupidity.

So we are going to make a change and I really hope if you are reading this and you ever come into contact with a person who has lost a child, maybe just maybe stop before you go blundering in like a cow in a china shop. Think about what you are saying, and maybe just maybe use your brain, think how this would make you feel. You know politeness never goes unnoticed and a polite we are sorry would have gone a massive way rather than ordering us about.

It makes a difference, it stops the tears, it stops the screaming, it helps the sleep.

It isn’t a lot to ask surely is it. Be a bit sensible and don’t be stupid.

Is it not enough that we are dealing with our baby girl dying, do we really need to deal with people being insensitive idiots around as well?

And for all the professionals that carry on doing it, we will fight for Rhianna, like we would for Baba until the day we die. She will never be a statistic she will always be our little girl like all the little girls and boys that are angels and parents are fighting for all over. Maybe that is the one thing you all need to remember!