Rhianna’s Gravestone

At the weekend I was on social media and saw a person I follow announce their pregnancy and then she showed her mummy to be presents from her partner for her last Mother’s Day before baby comes, or her first Mother’s Day if you think of it that way.

To be honest it threw me a bit.

As the year I was pregnant with Rhianna BB and Mr L went out and brought me an outfit, coat and shoes all for Rhianna for Mother’s Day that year. Within weeks Rhianna had died.

Seeing someone else doing that on Mother’s Day threw me.

It literally made me stop in my tracks.

Read the post again and take a deep deep breath to compose myself, stop the tears and be ok to carry on for the rest of the day.

Seven years down the line I can never predict my grief.

It put me in an awful mood I won’t lie, and I was really numb.

Not upset not in tears.

Just numb.

Seven years ago that was us. And we were so excited and so happy.

And so naive to what the universe was getting ready to throw at us.

I felt the same way all of yesterday and knew today that I had to chance something, I couldn’t remain feeling like this. It’s not like I can even explain how I feel but I just felt meh, and awful that it brought back the days and weeks before Rhianna died.

And there I was all over again, reliving the worst moments of our lives.

And nothing could stop it.

But it made me sit down and look through gravestones.

Something Rhianna still doesn’t have.

It really bugs me and makes me fell utterly awful that she doesn’t have a gravestone. I feel a bit of bad parent.

Like we don’t care that much.

That she wasn’t important enough to get a gravestone.

That it isn’t important to us.

The opposite is actually the truth.

Her gravestone is so important that it is an utter nightmare to pick.

We go round and round trying to find the most perfect stone.

One that covers that she died as a baby, but one that we will still like when she is 10, 15, 20, or 30 years old.

And it is bloody hard to find that perfect stone.

But it doesn’t end there, we have to decide on the colour of the stone, on the writing colour and the inscription we put on it.

There are so many options and it is actually really confusing.

But today after a couple of hours of looking, I think I finally have the one that we both like.

Now I just need to chat to the cemetery to make sure we can put this stone onto her grave.

It is a huge task and I am so worried we will do it wrong.

Pick the wrong stone.

Pick the wrong colour.

Pick the wrong font colour.

Pick the wrong design.

Not like it in future years.

I am finding it impossible to make the right decision.