How Can I Make Them Understand

I am in a few baby loss groups, its like our own community, the club you have never wanted to be a member of but are for life.

And something that comes up quite often is how can I make them understand, how can I make family get it, or friends. How do I make them realise that it still hurts 6 months, 5 years, 10 years later? How can I make them realise that days can be fine and good and amazing and then days can be bad, so so bad and that it is ok to be like that.

It’s something that comes up quite regularly and something I have tried to achieve so many times.

Seven years down the line, I don’t think you can achieve it.

Babyloss is so painful, so individual that you can never make another person understand it completely.

Mr and I deal with our losses so differently, and they are the same miscarriage, the same stillbirth. The same children. But it doesn’t mean we grieve the same. We grieve for the same child, but we grieve for her so differently that it has caused a lot of rows over the years. But it doesn’t mean one of us loves her more or less it is just to individual to be the same.

And I hold my hands up before loosing Rhianna I thought babyloss was so very sad, and felt sorry for anyone that lost a baby, but figured once you had another you would always remember them but life would get better!

How stupid was I!

If you haven’t experienced babyloss I don’t think you can truly understand the pain and the emotions you go through.

And you can’t ever explain it honestly to someone because actually you can never 100% explain it to yourself.

I honestly don’t know why some days are so hard.

I rationally get that March is a difficult month. It’s her birthday and Mother’s day.

I rationally get why Christmas is hard. We are missing her.

But I don’t rationally get why I wake up in August and feel sad, or why I miss her so much on a sunny day. Or when the boys are all playing my heart bleeds.

I don’t get all of that.

I can’t preplan any of that.

So how can you explain that to someone?

You really can’t, because to me if you can’t explain it to yourself you can’t explain it to someone else.

And actually I don’t need others to understand it.

I am pleased they don’t.

I am pleased people I am close to don’t always get it, because it means they wanted a baby they fell pregnant they got a child it was easy and I am happy for them.

And to me it isn’t about understanding my babyloss.

It’s about supporting my babyloss.

I don’t need you to understand why I have bad moments, bad weeks, bad months.

I don’t need you to understand why I kept Boo’s pregnancy a secret from my closest friends.

I don’t need you to understand why I may not visit your new born baby girl, or go to your baby shower.

I don’t need you to understand it at all.

I need you to support me.

I need you to listen.

I need you to accept that I am not being rude I am surviving that day.

I need you to realise it isn’t an insult on you if I refuse to come.

I need you to be there when I am hurting when I am having a bad day.

I don’t always need people with me, but I need to just be checked on.

A cuppa and a hug.

I don’t need to be questioned.

I just need people to realise some days are bad, some days will always be bad.

And those days I don’t need guilt for feeling bad, I just need support.

It has never been about understanding for me, I don’t wish for you to understand this awful pain and sorry. I don’t wish that on my worst enemy.

I has always been about supporting.

Whether you agree or not it is just about supporting and being a person who can be there when the days are hard. Not comment but just be there.

It has always been about supporting.