Planning A Wedding With A Child Missing

Is hard

It’s draining

And it makes the simplest of things so sad

Buying bridesmaid dresses for the little ones is hard, I couldn’t really put much thought into them. I found some I liked and brought them that was all I could do.

Looking at little shoes I hate as there should be another pair I am buying.

We have a thing with the shoes for the wedding and they will be featured in the photos but one pair will be missing and it breaks my heart. I can see how it should be, if life was fair and it wont be that way.

It’s the little things the mother and daughter things that I am already missing.

Getting ready together, standing next to each other.

Baba is obviously excited but he is going to be with Mr L and Boo really has no clue what is going on and needs to stay clear of my dress once he has eaten!

It’s the planning of her dress, which would have been just as exciting as mine, and she would have looked more beautiful than all of us. Getting her hair done, and getting her ready all those things I am missing already.

Having all three of our children in a photo together. It’s a silly thing. But something that will never happen and something that I miss daily but even more so at such an important event such as our wedding. When we had Baba we always said we wouldn’t get married until our family was complete as we didn’t want any of our children missing from our wedding photos. In a cruel twist of fate that is exactly what is going to happen. And there is nothing we can do about it.

There will always be one missing.

One missing every day, but when you have such a big event it’s even more felt and more upsetting.

The wedding is going to be a fab day, and the boys are going to look fantastic but Rhianna would have looked gorgeous and there will be a gaping hole right next to me all day where she should be.

That is something we can’t change, we can’t make happy and we have to deal with.

But in the quiet of the night after another day of doing wedding things, making decorations, buying items, you can’t help but have the sadness right at the front of your mind another day closer another set of stuff done, and no Rhianna.

And it’s just sad.

It makes you more sad than usual.

It was never the plan, the plan was always to get married with all our children by our side.

Something, someone I don’t know why or who or even how but that dream got taken away from us and the harsh reality is our wedding day will be missing her, our little girl, our only girl and it’s just not fair.

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