Our Baby Girl
Today I am handing over Rhianna Lily’s blog to her Daddy, Mr L, he doesn’t say a lot about Rhianna Lily he grieves quietly, he is a man of little words, and he is not a writer but everything he thinks he has written down here.
The hardest day of my life started with a phone call from Kerry telling me that the midwife couldn’t hear Rhianna’s heartbeat and she had to go to the hospital for an emergency scan.
Being an optimist I thought we would be just going for a routine scan, and reassured Kerry that this was the case. We drove to the scan and Kerry constantly asked if it was going to be ok, and I kept saying that it was going to be fine. This could not have been further from the truth.
We went into the scanning area of the hospital and got taken to a smaller waiting room with just us in there. We were taken into the scan room and the scan started. That’s where we heard the words, “there is no heartbeat”
Being told that I was never going to get to hear my little girl talk, sing or even cry broke my heart.
We were moved back to that small room. When you are stuck in a room that feels the size of a shoe box broken and in tears the hardest thing to do is console the one you love as you’re the one who wants to be consoled.
Coming out of hospital was a daze, we drove home and then we had to explain to our three-year old son that his little sister had died and he won’t get to see her as she has gone to heaven. It was one of the hardest things to explain. At first he was upset but a child’s innocence can be a great thing as he thought it was good that baby Rhianna was an angel and he regularly lets balloons off to her to catch up in heaven.
We were still in a mess when we had to deal with the birthing process which was really hard to deal with as when Rhianna was born there was a silence where there is usually a cry.
The silence was one of the hardest things to deal with as you expect to look at each other after the birth of your child and smile all I could do was look at the floor and want to cry but I felt that I had to be strong for Kerry.
It doesn’t end at the birth, leaving the hospital with no baby just leads to you constantly looking to the back seat, looking for your baby. Thinking why us? What did we do wrong?
I never thought that we would be arranging a funeral for our child it just felt so wrong to be burying our daughter only two weeks after she was born. It is a strange experience to be standing there and your world literally falls apart when you bury your child.
We have a long way to go in the process but our son has been our rock throughout this whole episode in our life without Baba in our lives I believe this would have been even harder if possible.
Rest in Peace my little angel Rhianna Lily xoxoxox
This post has been written for the Saying Goodbye Heart Prints Carnival with Tots 100.
Sending you love xxx
Thank you xxx
Thank you so much for writing this Mr L, a beautiful post, and great to hear from a dad’s perspective.
I wish you had never had to write it, but thank you.
He wanted to get a dad’s point of view out there xx
Such a beautiful post but one tht shouldn’t have to have been written.
You are all amazing xx
Thank you he has done so well in writing it xx
There are no words. What a heartbreaking experience to have to endure, and I imagine it never goes away. Well done for finding the words and sharing. I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much xx
There is nothing in the world that makes any of this any better, and I just don’t know how to still function yet somehow we do – and perhaps this is because of already being a mummy (or daddy) for a little one. The words you have written are the feelings I know my husband is going through right now. Thank you for sharing X
Thank you Louise, I totally agree with everything that you have said xx
Mr. L, I regularly read Kerry’s posts about Rhianna Lily and feel so sad for everything you’ve had to endure, but I often feel like Dads get a bit forgotten in these horrible situations, so I’m glad you’ve had the chance to write something down and although I’ve said it to Kerry a hundred times, I want to say to you also that I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you and your little family find a way to be happy in the future. Lots of love to you all xxx
Thank you Jayne, that means so much xx
Thank you everyone x
I am so sorry for your loss. A beautiful heartfelt post. It’s good for us to understand the loss that the father feels at this time. Sometimes society only concentrates on the mother as the father is expected to be the strong silent one. Of course what is expereinced is very very different.
That is totally true, the fathers can really be forgotten when these things happen xx
What a strong family you all are. Sending my love, thoughts and prayers. No words will ever make this better, but hold strong
That is so nice Jen thank you xx
Mr L, you write with such emotion its heart breaking, I have said to Kerry previously I have no concept of how hard it must be to go through, much less to write down your experiences. I think sometimes the Dads get forgotten in traumatic situations, for whatever reason- it was certainly that way with my partner when our son was premature and very ill. It was only a year after that he even felt he could own up to crying to me, which is daft.
Sending much love to you all, it really is brave for you to be so honest
He really has poured his soul into this piece thank you xx
This really brought a lump to my throat (as do Kerry’s beautiful posts). I’m so sorry this had to happen to your family, and indeed any families that go through this heartbreak. Baba’s innocence is a credit to your upbringing and how comfortable he is, though I’m sure it feels little solace. Rest in peace Rhianna Lily xx
Thank you that is so kind xx
Kerry and Mr L – It’s my first visit to your blog, and I just read this beautiful and heartbreaking post written by Mr L. Huge virtual hugs to you both. We too, have a daughter, Polly, who was born sleeping, and I could identify with so much of what you have written. Rest in Peace Rhianna Lily x
Thank you xx
This is an amazing post, I agree with Jen above who remarks on how strong a family you have, I don’t know what else to say except that I’m sending you love and prayers for all of you xxxx
Thank you Linda that is so kind xx