Numb
I haven’t blogged for ages.
I haven’t wanted to
I haven’t had anything to say.
I feel like my body has gone into shut down mode.
I feel numb every time I think about Rhianna. It is like I have literally morphed back in time, to this time last year, but without the crying.
I feel like I have shut down.
I can’t look at babies, I thought it may get better but it hasn’t I think it has got worse. I desperately want another baby but the heartache is so hard, when for yet another month it doesn’t happen.
Every month I cry
For the child that we still don’t have.
I hate it, I hate feeling like that.
And I hate having in the back of my head there is only so much I can take.
The pain is so strong and no one really understands.
No one gets that pain that sadness that you feel every time it doesn’t happen.
I just feel numb, I don’t want to remember that my child died.
I don’t want to remember all the things that I, we don’t have.
I hate that we never saw her colour of her eyes, or her smile or she never got to cuddle her big brother.
I hate that he is on his own all the time when he shouldn’t be
I hate that we are being judged that a year has passed and that we should ‘move on’
That we should be grateful we have Baba, that we shouldn’t make him think it is more about Rhianna (all things that have been said to me recently) and I HATE that she isn’t her.
I can’t think about it as I think if I start to cry I wont actually stop this time.
A year later this doesn’t get easier, it gets harder
My heart aches more the hole she left behind is getting bigger!
And right now I don’t know whether to write about it, hide away from it or cry about it!
I’m so sorry. I have actually been worried and wondering if you were okay. I can’t understand what you’re going through in terms of Rhianna, but I can in the longing for a sibling who never happens. My due date for the early miscarriage is very soon and my doctor said In his opinion I will unlikely carry another child. It’s devastating in a way and maybe why I can’t sleep thus month. But I hope that your prayers are answered in that respect so Baba can have a living brother or sister. And I’m so sorry time isn’t yet healing and that people aren’t giving you the time you need. 🙁 xxx
Thank you, it is a horrible horrible feeling isn’t it and no one unless they have that experience can understand where you are coming from. I am so sorry about your loss, and your news and hope you get some sleep this month xx
Thanks Kerry. I hope it becomes easier in time for you xx
So do I xx
That’s incredibly cruel for people to say you should be moving on and it shouldn’t be all about her.You take a long as you like mourning, grief effects people in different ways.Big hugs x
Thank you Aly I was very shocked I don’t know why I really shouldn’t have been but I was and it was a horrible feeling that people where thinking that. It really made me question what we have been doing this last year. Horrible doubting yourself xx
I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. While I did lose a baby a few years ago, I miscarried early in the pregnancy. And even if I had lost mine at the same time you lost Rhianna Lily, I still can’t understand your pain – because it is your pain. You cannot be told to “move on”, that it’s “been a year”. That was your baby. And, yes, one day the pain won’t be as searing, but you’ll always miss your baby girl. She’ll always be a piece missing of you – and that’s ok. It’s normal. Take your time. Heal as best as you can.
xoxo
Hugs!
Thank you, if only everyone had the sense that you have in this comment, but unfortunately not. There are so many that voice their opinions and it makes it so much harder! xx
No one can judge your grief, it’s your grief! Someone I know told me that we are all living within our own reality, only we can see things the way we do. I think that’s true.
I’ve never been in your position so I don’t know how you feel but I would say that you will ‘move on’ when you are ready and able, don’t let anyone tell you when that will be. I don’t think you ever move on from tragedy but I think you move further away, putting space and distance between the bad events and eventually focusing on the good. You had a beautiful daughter, you will always have a beautiful daughter, other people may never know her but you knew her in your heart and in your lives. That’s what’s important and one day that will be how you think of her, it may still far too soon, one day it won’t, that much I know
xxx
Thank you I agree I think that statement is very true as well we are all living within our own reality. I love that saying and it is very true xx