Missing You

This hasn’t been the easiest of weeks. It just seems every day is all about missing you, and it is hard.

None of it is helped by the fact that I am so tired at the moment.

Sleep is minimal and it doesn’t matter what I do nothing seems to be helping.

No night is before 1am but last night was even worse, as I was still laying in bed at 3am wide awake not being able to sleep at all.

I lay there and my brain goes around and around. Full of thoughts of what could have been, how life should be, could be, but isn’t. When I am not thinking all of those thoughts and I sit and worry, are the boys ok, how does it affect them, am I being the best I can be for them.

I worry about them.

Worry how much us being this sad every year, will affect them?

How loosing Rhianna has affected Baba?

I worry about it all the time.

My head whirls at night, and I worry and I can’t sleep and I just lay there.

Willing to sleep but nothing happening.

The lack of sleep makes everything harder.

It means normal things don’t happen.

And I have to keep on top of things slowly as I am so tired.

I have to take a back seat at this time of the year, today I had to just sleep when Boo slept I literally was not going to get through the day without it. I have to step away from the day-to-day running of the house, put all that to one side and look after myself.

It is hard to just stop but when I am getting no sleep I can’t function and I need to function I need to be there for Baba and Boo and I have to try to make this time as undisturbed for them as possible and try to keep their world normal. However hard that is for me and Mr L, we have to keep their lives as normal as possible.

But everyday is a struggle because everyday missing you never stops, it never changes and it never goes away.