International Bereaved Mothers Day

Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day, I haven’t really talked about Rhianna recently because if I am honest I am finding it pretty hard.

I have buried it I suppose.

But having her birthday the first day of the lockdown and not being prepared to have her birthday in lockdown, but still having Mr L at work and not able to have it off as he didn’t know how much longer he had at work did and still is completely flooring me.

Her birthday was never supposed to be that way.

And it was the first birthday myself and her daddy spent separated.

And it was rough.

And I am not sure how we both dealt with it.

We had to but I don’t really know how.

If I am totally honest I am completely gutted this is how her birthday panned out this year.

There was none of the things we had planned.

There was no dinner out.

No day trip for just Mr L and I or for her brothers.

There was no beach.

We did the best we did.

The boys were home, we made a cake, we laid and watched the stars and that was perfect.

But the day was not what I wanted it to be.

It was the best we could do with what we had but it wasn’t what I wanted.

And it breaks my heart.

Her birthday is the one thing I can do for her.

And this year it was taken away.

And I am struggling to cope with that.

I really am.

So I am quiet about it as there are so many other things happening at the moment.

I know it is exceptional circumstances that this happened, but it is still rubbish.

And it has made the grief even harder.

It doesn’t just stop.

It is always there.

It will always be there and there will always be good days, OK days and totally rubbish days.

And I hate that there is always a sadness in the back and sometimes the front of our lives.

I would love to not be part of this club.

“The club no one can ever leave” it’s true once your in it. You can never leave.

And I would love a day where we weren’t in it anymore.

But that will never happen.

And that really saddens me.

Rhianna dying changed us all.

Simple things aren’t always the easiest.

Hard things are sometimes impossible.

And we are changed forever.

And I so wish we weren’t.

I so wish she was here.

And not doing what I wanted to do on her birthday, as selfishly as it may sound, means that until I can get to that beach I think I will feel this way about her birthday.

I will make it alright I don’t know when.

Until I do I will feel sad about it.

But I will sort it.

I will do it as that is what mothers do!