Missing Your Space

One thing that has come out of this lockdown is that we, like many families in similar positions, haven’t been to Rhianna’s grave since before the lockdown started.

We obviously couldn’t go for her birthday as we were already in the lockdown, we didn’t go for Mother’s Day and I don’t know when we will next go.

We aren’t actually a family that goes to her grave a lot, it isn’t a regular thing we do. Her brothers don’t overly like to go up there, and neither Mr L or myself want them to be forced to go.

As far as we are concerned going to her grave should be a thing they do because they want to do it not something that is forced onto them.

But it is somewhere I would go when I feel the urge to go.

When I want to check on her, and be near her.

Somewhere I go if I am having a bad day,

If I am missing her.

Or if I am just needing to be close.

And if we can’t get to the beach, as that is where she really feels the closest, if we can’t get there I will head to her grave.

But since the lockdown we haven’t managed it, and we haven’t managed the beach.

And I don’t know when either of them will happen again.

And it is depressing when you think about it.

Its not great for our mental health.

And some days I would just like to go and see her.

Spend time with her.

Check everything around her is ok and nice and safe and looked after.

Instead we have to hope that it is all ok up there, and hope that when we get back there it will be ok.

And until then we have to rely on her things at home, and make sure we remember her in different ways.