Grief!

I feel like I spend my life writing grief posts, but I suppose that is my life.

Always on the edge of the cliff of grief.

You never really know what is around the corner and what is coming, but you know it will come at some point.

This week is a hard week.

I always struggle on this week, the week before my birthday.

When Christmas is over it is my birthday, and then it is Rhianna’s birthday.

And I dread the lead up to my birthday, because when that is over, the next thing is Rhianna’s birthday.

And that means it is all the pain, there is the lack of sleep, the tears, the pain of the memories and everything else that comes with it.

Rhianna’s birthday isn’t just painful on her birthday it is painful all of the month and some of before and some of before that. It is a long drawn out process from Christmas to her birthday and it is tough.

It is remembering vividly her pregnancy, from that fall I had at Christmas to her being born. It is always wondering whether that fall was the reason, Even though I have been told over and over it wasn’t it was just unfortunate.

But could it have contributed?

Who knows but it goes round and round in my head, it is my nightmare and it is my fear.

One that I will never have the answer for and one that will haunt me until the end of time I imagine.

It seems all these thoughts start around this time of year, they all start going around in my head and they don’t really stop until after her birthday.

And it is hard work.

It is hard work surviving on not a lot of sleep, putting on a happy face when all you want to do is cry, and to not just talk about your grief and your pain.

It is hard.

Doing all of that day in and day out for weeks.

It isn’t about hiding it, but it is about getting on with things.

It is working along the line.

Making a choice about that line.

We have one child in the stars, and two here with us, and it is about making sure they are all getting the same attention.

Obviously the boys know we all have bad days about Rhianna. But I don’t want all their memories being of their parents having bad days because of Rhianna.

I want them to have good days, about them and only them.

And that is why at times, you have to pretend that everything is ok. Whether you are having a bad day or week, or not!

But it doesn’t make it easier, grief is not something you can fake until you make it.

It is something that you have to survive, breathe through and hope you come out the other side as unscathed as possible!