Due Date
This Sunday should have been Rhianna Lily’s due date.
I don’t really have anything to say about it. I always guessed that it would bother me, but like everything else along this journey I never really knew how I would really feel until it has got closer and closer to getting her.
Bothering me is an understatement, it really bothers me.
Everywhere I look there is another baby being born, and I don’t begrudge anyone of them, the new parents or the new babies, but there is a small knife in my heart and every new baby I see or hear being born pushes that knife in a little bit more. It makes the realisation that Rhianna isn’t here and will never be coming even more real.
We can’t stop babies being born, god wouldn’t that be easy when you are grieving! We can’t stop being friends with people who are having babies. We have to live with this but it doesn’t make it any easier, or any more helpful.
It is a constant struggle that we are going to have, and it is one we may get used to I don’t know but this year it is really damn hard.
My brain is locked in a constant what if moment this week, what if Rhianna hadn’t died, we would be packing bags, preparing for a birth, having a very excited boy about his sister, getting pushchairs and Moses baskets and lots of baby girls clothes ready. But we not…
It is a harsh reality, we aren’t doing any of those things, and I know that I shouldn’t probably be thinking those things. But I can’t help it they are constantly there. I should be living such a different life, not the one that we are struggling with now.
People want to do things for the weekend, people want to do things for Rhianna, I just want to curl up and disappear for a while. I don’t want to have to think about the fact that Sunday was the day she was due, I don’t want to have to think of the thing that will never happen, the things that have happened. I just don’t want to think anymore.
This week is proving to be a tough one I wont lie, and I am finding it hard.
I am hiding away in the comfort of Baba and Mr L, I don’t think I am generally selfish but right now I think that I am truly entitled to be and I am. We are doing things at home and we are shutting the world away at the moment it is what we need the most and what we are all finding comfort in.
And what is good is that you are talking about it and writing about it. Because no matter what you do, at this raw stage, nothing will take away the pain so you just need to get through. Somehow. In whatever way works best for you and you alone. This is the one time in your life you have permission to be as selfish as you need to be. And to grieve and be bitter and resentful. I know you wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone- that doesn’t mean it isn’t extra hard to see babies and pregnant women.
So I suggest you just deal with it in whatever way works for you and your family and everyone else, if they care for you, will fit in around that.
Thank you, totally have found that now. We know the people that care for us and love us as they have moved their lives around to fit in with ours others well the less said the better xx
I think the particular part you are at is one of the hardest; 3/4/5 months was very hard for me. Hormones, reality biting. Then it fluctuated until a little after a year. Doing all the firsts is hard. You will learn to be able to manage this. It doesn’t go but it does become part of you. I didn’t always find that helpful, I wanted to hurt forever, sometimes I still wish it did hurt like it used to. But the changes that come do at least bring a relief from the crushing quantity of emotion.
Sending love as ever.
Thank you I so value reading what you write and it always helps thank you xx